I can't help but scan over the children of the slums feet everytime I see them. Or the patients as they lay in bed recovering. The feet of these children are hard and rough, some run deep with wounds. Its as if their soles alone tell the story of their lives. Hard and rough and sometimes running deep with pain. Every once and a while when we arrive to hand the meals out there is a new injury on someone's foot which I later come back to clean. I usually return by myself after buying soap, gauze and a clean cloth. I walk in and no one bothers me but the injured child comes right up, knowing why I am there. We find a 'quiet' spot and I squat down to clean. In this act of cleaning there is significance beyond taking care of a wound. In many eastern cultures a person's feet are considered the lowest and dirtiest place on the body. One should not touch another with their feet or point the soles of their feet at someone. A servant washes his masters feet, that is why the biblical tale of Jesus washing the disciples feet carries such weight. This sentiment still rings true in this part of the world. Your feet are the vessel that carry you through life and in a culture that still struggles with castes, one look at a persons feet and you can guess if they would be the servant or the served. That is a barrier I fear will never be broken... So I wash. We wash. We clean.  It may be one hurting foot at a time or thirty pairs at a street kids day,  but as I stoop down to wash the injured and dirtied feet of these children I hope they know I am theirs. I am their servant because I am His. 

What would it feel like

What would it feel like to find out you are with child? What would it feel like to carry the pregnancy out while continuing to work in the tea fields day and night? To continue doing manual labor, to not be able to receive prenatal care, to give birth at home or in a field far from help? What would it feel like to give birth to a baby with a cleft condition? To have your hopes shattered in a society where it is considered unacceptable to have a child with a deformity.

What would it feel like to be told as a mother, this condition was caused by your bad luck. Maybe you cut a fish while pregnant, or conceived during a lunar eclipse or had bad karma. What would it feel like to have the blame placed on your back as a mother, as a woman who wants nothing more than to birth a healthy child? How do your feel in those first moments, as you take it all in? I am not a mother, I have never carried a child, given birth or been told that my child is unworthy of life. I can not even begin to imagine what it would feel like.

What would it feel like to step into a hospital in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by foreign faces. After months or years of being told it was all your fault, what would it feel like to learn that you are not to blame? Is it too late to change that heaviness in your heart? What would it feel like to see your child treated by others as a beautiful and perfect being? That beautiful and perfect child that you as a mother always saw?

I wouldn't share this if it wasn't something we experience here every day. Sometimes I feel like if I talk about these realities that it will come across like those television ads with pictures of starving children with flies all over them, asking for sponsorship. But you guys, this is a reality. This is happening every single day when it shouldn't be. Mother's being outcasted from their family for giving birth to a baby who has a cleft lip or palate. Being told it is their fault, not having food provided for them or their child. Babies being dumped in trash bins, placed on train tracks to be killed. It happens too often that the baby is brought to us at the very brink of succumbing to starvation. Their malnourishment is so severe that their immune system is compromised, their skin is covered in sores and sometimes they are so hungry that they suck on their fingers to the point of making the nails come off. Babies who are months old but are the weight of a preemie. Parents who were guided by a doctor to feed their cleft baby twice per day... a tactic used on uneducated parents so that their child will pass away. I don't often feel angry, but this, this makes my head throb with anger. My colleagues developed an amazing nutrition program that gives these babies a chance. The power that was taken away from parents is given back through proper education. Does that heaviness start to lift?

Today we operated on five thousandth patient in Assam. The backlog of clefts has been reduced from approximately 20,000 to 15,000. This patient happened to be one of the very first patients in our nutrition program. In July she came to us in need of serious support, seven months later she is at the proper weight and nutritional status to receive a safe surgery. The smile on her mother's face as the baby went back for her operation stretched from ear to ear. She was empowered, supported. We kept our promise made seven months ago, that her beautiful daughter would gain weight if fed properly, that her beautiful daughter would be operated on. That the whole family would be given a chance. What would it feel like, to know that you saved your child?

'I will see you again, a long time from now...'

Lots of silliness at the old work place this week! We have started recruiting patients from a few new districts which seems to be equalling many young children with unrepaired lips. Add that to the handful of volunteers that have come for the "mission week" and you have a party! The work place has been a little stressful lately, long hours, long weeks, new responsibilities. As I am doing less hands on care (giving it over to the local nurses) I have been making it a point to visit the patients through out the day. If I even feel a tiny twinge of stress I go out to the child life area and sit down to play even if just for five minutes. These three munchkins were the first cases done yesterday and all of them were just making me smile ear to ear. The first little boy (on the left) was so serious and stoic but enjoyed his coloring time! The little girl on the right walked right into the operating room then in the recovery room she insisted on feeding herself juice, arranging her blankets, fixing up her IV line and lounging around. Then there is the little lady in the middle picture. I have not met a personality quite like hers. Pre-operatively I was playing with her when out of nowhere she made the craziest face! It turned into a back and forth of face making that lasted until she walked through those operating room doors. That evening I went down to visit her and she was only funnier! She was going wild, as if she hadn't even had surgery that day. She had my hand in a death grip and told me I wasn't allowed to go! We were making silly noises, crazy eyes and she was pinching my cheeks like I was a chubby little baby! The silliness only ensued this morning and I wondered if this is what she is like here, imagine what a handful she is at home! 

On the team bonding day the student team came over and cooked meals for Asha Guwahati, we went down to the tracks and the passing of the food went so smoothly! What a good team they made and I was so grateful for their help and support. After, we headed to the river for the boat cruise/dance party. As always, I danced away then had to hear about it for the next few days haha. Afterwards, we headed to Umananda Temple aka the monkey temple. It was perhaps the best experience I have ever had at a temple. My friend/coworker who is Hindu explained everything to us, and as we were blessed we weren't asked for a ridiculous donation. It is quite a problem, that you receive the tikka mark or do puja then are asked for hundreds of rupees. It makes me really uncomfortable, especially after watching many locals give a much smaller donation. This temple didn't even force the subject and I gladly gave a small donation. There were a few monkeys which I really enjoyed staring at but overall, the blessing experience was the highlight.

Last night we had a group dinner at my favorite little restaurant around the corner from where I stay. I don't know why or how but the music they were playing might as well have been taken straight from my ipod. I have a huge memory association with music and it hearing some of those songs last night really made me emotional. I think the fact that it was late and I was hungry only made the situation worse. First they played "Only if For a Night" by Florence + The Machine then 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver and then "Hello I'm In Delaware" by City and Colour. I can not emphasize enough how out of the ordinary it is that I would be hearing this songs, this music is not popular hear and I have never heard this genre played in public. It was so unexpected that when the City and Colour song came on I got super lost in my own thoughts so much so that my friend noticed and asked me what I was thinking about. I told him the music made me think of the states and a different time in my life. He looked at me and said "We are family, I am your brother for when you are missing home." SO SWEET. I immediately welled up with tears and had excuse myself to step outside. He came out to check on me/cheer me up then brought me back inside. As I sat back down I became so thankful to have friends here. My guy friends are the sweetest men in my life. They know how to be friends and wanting nothing more than that. I find it extremely hard to find that in the states. SO thankful for Shamir and his sweetness (though as he left dinner, he made a crying face at me to tease me haha). 

On a related by random note, I have been eating with my hands quite a lot. Cultural immersion at its finest.

Happy Saraswati Puja!

Lots of sweet little updates, most of which happened yesterday!

Firstly, Happy Saraswati Puja! I am actually not sure if that is usually a well wishing but I sure did walk around saying it all day! Saraswati is the goddess of education/knowledge and yesterday it was all about her! As we started a mission yesterday, I didn't get a lot of time to learn about her in depth but the basics are that she always wore a beautiful white saree, seated on a lotus flower and holding an instrument. What this translates loosely to is that on Saraswati Puja the girls and women dress in their finest sarees and walk about town, going to schools for visits then performing puja. I remember arriving to Guwahati last year on this holiday, unaware of it being a holiday and being totally blown away by ALL of the women walking about in gorgeous dress! This year I participated as best I could. Half way through the surgery screening process I ducked out and put on the saree I bought in Jaipur then headed back to work! I have to admit, I love walking around in a saree and find it quite comfortable though different. I am not used to exposing my back and stomach but would wear shorts any given day! After screening, I went for coffee, walked to visit a friend and then walked to visit another friend! It was such a fun day! 

Yesterday was Saturday so as planned we went back to the slums to check in with the family of the girl (Hasima) who needed to see a doctor. This was also an opportunity to check in on Anjuna (who by the way actually has the name Asbanu, but I'll keep referring to her as Anjuna...) to see how she is feeling after what happened Thursday. I was greeted with this:

So I think that everything is okay. Doesn't she have the warmest smile and brightest eyes? I felt so much better after hanging out with her for a bit yesterday. She walked with us to meet the family and after a good bathing, the girl and her mother went to the hospital with us. Along with the two of them, four or five other kids trailed along to hang out. I took Hasima to our pediatrician to be evaluated. He didn't feel that she warranted a hospital admission, which was reassuring. He ordered some basic labs, liver labs, an abdominal ultrasound and TB test. Unfortunately, we couldn't take them to the testing center right away so we let them go eat lunch with the promise they would come back after. They didn't come back :( I am not surprised, nor am I discouraged. Tomorrow morning I will go back, retrieve them again if they like and have them in the center until testing time. I am just happy that the mother and father trusted us enough to even be seen. Next we will take another small step forward as they are comfortable. 

Meanwhile, outside the hospital the friends that trailed along were treated to a special/surprise lunch with Rosie! She took them to the bakery where they were allowed to pick out one lunch item and one sweet. They were hesitant to step in at first but became more than comfortable after stepping through the door. Rosie showed me the pictures, and I couldn't help but giggle! She said she expected them to want to take their food outside to eat but instead settled down right at the bar table along the window. They were lounging and totally enjoying themselves! What a sweet surprise for them!

Also! I made some new friends (that are actually my age) this week. On Wednesday night Kelly and I were at the market buying the supplies for the kids' meals when two soccer players from Africa started talking to us. We have all hung a out a few times and they are so fun! They are from Nigeria and travel all around India playing for a club team. It is always nice to meet people from new places!  

 

As promised, on Tuesday myself and two coworkers headed to the tracks to find the little girl who needs medical attention. As we entered the slum I immediately felt that something was off. All over, shanty homes had been knocked down, burned and removed. Quickly it was explained that the people in that area were being evicted, my stomach dropped. I can't even get into how I feel about the government evicting the innumerable amount of homeless all over the country... but it made me worry of course for all of my friends, all of the children we have come to love. I worried that we wouldn't find the girl who needed help but luckily with the help of some of the other children, we did. When she walked towards me I realized she was probably about five, and she walked like she was completely out of balance. My coworker who speaks the local language helped me talk to the father. As we were talking, I smiled at the girl, and reached out my hand to "tickle" her belly. It was rock hard against my fingers. Lurch in my stomach again. After much talking the father explained that he couldn't leave to take her to the hospital with us. One reason was because the government is evicting people from the slums and if he leaves, surely their home will be knocked down. The second reason was because he didn't feel that anything was wrong with his little girl. Knots in my stomach. I don't 100% know what I expected, I knew we wouldn't just swoop in and skip off to the doctor but I hoped he would trust us. The conversation went well but he wouldn't come with us. The end compromise is that I will return on Saturday and they will tell us then if they will go with us to the doctor. So, please continue to pray friends. 

I initially thought I wouldn't share what I am about to but I think I want people to realize that it is not all rainbows and butterflies on Sundays. That despite all of the good and how much those of us that do this every week believe in it, that sometimes it is hard to the point of me having to walk away. You see here is the thing about me, I am a person who wants nothing more than to give, I am a lover, I am a servant and I am a person who feels endlessly. I feel so many emotions and I allow myself to feel them fully. So maybe why that is why I am sitting here full of guilt when maybe I shouldn't be but anyways here it goes.

It is winter here, at night under my thick blanket I wake up cold. I can't even imagine how cold it gets sleeping on the earth under a tarp. My friend/coworker arrived back in Guwahati this week after being at home for a stretch. She brought with her warm clothes to give to the kids and today (after much discussion) we decided it would be okay to hand it out after we gave the food. We wanted to give the meals, then walk away from the crowd to gain a bit more privacy/control to give the clothing to the kids. We both knew it would cause some madness, which is why until this point I have not given out anything beyond food in the slum. So that is what we did. The day was crazy to begin with, the crowd was massive, there was pushing and shoving and it felt like we had never been there before. It was a strange day, however when the food was gone things calmed and we continued on with the plan. I held Anjuna in my arms, hugging her then we walked hand in hand towards her home. As we got further from the crowd my friend handed the bag of clothing down to Anjuna with the intention of letting the kids sort it out, having no idea what would happen next. In a split second my little girl was swarmed, attacked by the other kids and even adults. She was on the ground screaming and crying out. People were hitting her with sticks, being completely animalistic and I was just tearing through them trying to pick her up. All I remember is yelling a lot, and scooping her up from behind and getting hit myself. Her sobs and screams hurt me like I have never hurt before. I pulled her away but the crowd kept pushing, she still wanted clothing of course and so she continued to put up a fight to receive something. I can't even describe what I was feeling in that moment and afterwards. I had to walk away at a point and couldn't look back. A few minutes later I still heard the yelling but saw Anjuna and some of the other children again. She came to me and looked utterly defeated, my feelings of guilt compounded. I picked her up again, she lay her head on my shoulder, I said I was sorry and soon we had to part ways. 

Every week is such a positive and happy experience. The trust we have built, the joy that surrounds every meal there is real. Today I allowed the kids who trust me so much to be hurt (physically, emotionally) and I don't honestly know how to process this. I believe in giving, in serving and in acting on needs in your community. I whole heartedly believe in the purpose of Asha Guwahati and that is why I wanted to give out warm clothing when the opportunity came. What I didn't want was for the kids' survival instincts to kick in and cause them to harm one another. Even more than that, I did not want to put children who are so connected to us, who trust us to feel as though we were pitting them against one another. People will argue until they are blue in the face about their feelings on charity organizations, on giving assistance around the world and here in India specifically. The scene today might make a perfect argument of why people shouldn't just hand things out to those in need. I calmly listen to these opinions frequently and many time there are valid points made by either party but I stand by what we do here (both in the slums and at the surgical center) and anyone who visits and is a part of either of those stands by us too. The problem is that now I am stuck wondering how you forgive yourself for letting a child you love deeply be hurt by a situation you put them in...

Baby showers are not for boys

Today is Republic Day in India so we had a day off! One of the dentists at the center is expecting her first child in about a month so the last few months have been full of conversations about the differences between American and Indian parenting experiences. She and I have talked about everything from pregnancy to birthing to newborn care and just about anything else you can imagine! It has been so informative and interesting to say the least. One major difference is that it is a criminal offense here to find out the gender of the baby in utero, therefore no gender specific planning happens before hand. There are not traditionally baby showers and the baby does not receive a name until it is one month old when a big reception is held. A few weeks ago Nisha extended an invitation and asked the ladies we work with to hold a baby shower! She has never attended one (and very sweetly exclaimed today that she's only seen them in movies) but she wanted to celebrate with us! We excitedly said yes and after feeding the kids today we all got together! As there aren't baby shower decorations around these parts she improvised and hand made a sign, hung balloons and got streamers. When we arrived we helped finish decorating, baked a cake and the games commenced....

...... Oh the games. A few of the men we work with wanted to come also so we said, hey why not? We're already breaking the norms by holding a baby shower so why not throw some guys into the mix? We learned quickly why! The games got a little intense right off the bat, accusations of cheating may have been flying around and by the end the boys sat separately from the girls with a few sour looks on their faces haha! Luckily it was all in good fun though the competitive factor was a new baby shower experience for me. All in all, it was really lovely and it was so fun that Nisha invited us to share this bit of culture with her! Next time I see her she will have had her little babe!

 Through the thick crowd we easily spot familiar faces, huge smiles, bright eyes and open hands. Weekly it is like having a reunion with loved ones you have been long separated from. Anjuna found her way through the throng this week, placed herself aside Deb and asked to help pass out the meals to her fellow children. Her order and understanding of the process, her ability to explain to her friends our purpose makes me speechless. Her need and desire to help gives me hope. It is not about the attention or the chance to have her picture snapped, it is about the moment. At the end of the frenzy she gives a quick hug, a goodbye and we have to wait again for the next joyous reunion.

Again this week, my new friend Sima invited me to her home. She stood on the outskirts of the crowd, watched the food being passed then excitedly made her way to me. She led me up those dark steps, down the tiny hallway and into her home. It felt like she was holding something back but once we arrived she let it go. With a shaking excitement, she embraced me as tightly as her little arms allowed. We hugged, she jumped up and down, and her face lit up like a thousand lights. She couldn't control her happiness, her friend had returned! We must be kindred spirits because at one point she couldn't sit any longer from the excitement so she asked me to dance. Dance we did, right there in the small open part of the room. It was definitely a moment where I wondered to myself "Is this my life?" and told myself never to forget what I felt in that moment. Life has been full of a lot of those moments lately.

Something else has been weighing heavily on my mind this past week. As I shared, we walked down through the slums last week to hand out the last of the meals. The other group, led by my friend Deb, came across a young girl who appeared very sick. As it is with many of the kids, she had no clothes (in the winter here) and had to be coaxed out to receive a meal. Later on at home Deb showed me the pictures and my stomach dropped. The little girl needs to see a doctor, but her family can not pay. I can not stop thinking about her and I can't help but think that our paths were meant to cross. So, I decided that tomorrow I will have to go back and offer help to her family. Please, friends can you pray for the little girl with a belly so big and limbs so thin that she can barely stand? I plan on paying for the care she will need and I was hoping you all would be okay if some of the donations I have received lately also went to her? All I know is that I can not ignore her blatant need for medical attention. She can not be so close to me, so close to a hospital and be allowed to just suffer. My mind has been in a constant state of prayer that her family will accept the offer of a visit to the doctor and I hope that you all will support me as I approach them tomorrow.

 (sweet Anjuna helping me mark a hand)

 (Then handing out the meal)

(Hello from my new best friend's house :)