4.08.2011

It takes an ocean not to break...

Life changes so ridiculously fast and I am finding it really hard for me to keep up with anything right now! On Tuesday I went and got dinner at yummy Native Foods with a friend and then we went and took advantage of a Border's Bookstore that was going out of business.


I came home to my life as it has been, packing and getting ready for work Wednesday and Thursday. Ryan came home that night and in under a hour my world was flipped upside down. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with told me that he didn't see that in his future for us anymore and that, essentially, was it. I love Ryan more than I can express (and more than he probably realizes) and right now I'm trying to adjust to the reality that he has removed himself from my life. I have been extremely thankful for my family and friends these past two days because I feel like I am mourning. I can fully admit that I was not a perfect, fantasy woman but the truth is, who is? I don't know, I was blindsided and my head is still reeling. I honestly thought I would come home from work yesterday to him in our apartment, and realize that it was all some huge mistake. Instead I came home to find that while I was working, he had removed every single item of his from our apartment (besides the mattress so I guess I should be thankful that I am not being forced to sleep on the couch). It is real, and I am sure he feels free in a way. I am hurt more than I ever thought was possible, but I am trying to cling to any positive thoughts I can have. 

I am now gearing myself to move across the ocean, half way around the world, with my life open to a fresh blank chapter. I hope India can write a beautiful story on my heart because when I come back to America my life will not be what it was even 2 days ago. One week from today is my last day working at my hospital, in the PICU that has raised me in my nursing career. I am leaving the apartment, the home I made with my boyfriend (my boyfriend that is no longer mine). I am selling my car, over half of my clothes and jamming all I can in a 10x15 storage space. If there was ever a time to give up control, this is it. My goals are to cry less, pack more and work on believing in myself and my life purpose. 

I go back to my favorite quote of Mahatma Gandhi's "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." Never have I felt more compelled to lose myself completely. 

5 comments:

  1. I am sorry to hear that you are hurting. I know that you're following your heart to India and maybe when you get there and you're caught up in your service the other pieces of your heart will mend. I admire you!

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that :( heartbreak is just about the worst pain ever. Not that it's much consolation, but at least you have India to look forward to, and the knowledge that you're going to do so much good while you're there.

    i hope you feel even a little better soon. I wish I could give you a hug x

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  3. I am so sorry to be reading this, i cannot say i know what you are going through because i don't as no one can possibly comprehend the pain you feel in your heart right now :(

    it happened to me just that way one time, i came home thinking it was just another day and he left. the bottom fell out of my world and i wondered how to get it back.... you are young, intelligent, beautiful and have the most exciting journey ahead of you.

    cry, laugh, do anything you can to heal because you will come through this... i want to say things happen for a reason but i don't want to make you mad so i wont!

    take care x x

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  4. Best wishes for you in India! Your heart will be okay with time, India will work wonders for you!

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  5. I'm so sorry :( If there is anything to be thankful for it is that you are about to embark on this new, life changing adventure! Embrace it fully! Everything happens for a reason <3

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