8.26.2011

Real life late night thoughts

I spent this evening discussing relationships with my roomie over a nice dinner of veg chopsuey. That might seem like extraneous information and it probably is but I think you should know that chopsuey is amazing but fresh lime soda that actually tastes like oral rehydration salts is not. You never really know what you're going to get here when it comes to the old taste buds.

Wait, what was the point of this? Oh, right, real life late night thoughts. The flatie and I were talking about being single and how many outfits I have to submit to Carynn for her sporadic feature "Things Single Girls Wear" and where we stand on the possibility of forging futures with men. Then later I Skyped with my dad for well over a hour and part of the convo involved discussing my future. I don't see this being the only time I work in another country, in fact I don't want this to be the last time I work in another country. I envision my life bouncing back between working for periods in California then abroad then back to California.

Here is my slow surfacing epiphany and I'm just going to put it out there because maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't know that I see myself ever being married. I don't know that that is truly something I desire. I have known that for, well, a really long time. That is probably one of the most honest and open things I have ever put up here for 'the world' to read. It took a long time for me to accept this and realize it. I knew it while I was with Ryan and I knew it in other relationships. At some point in every relationship I have ever been a part of, I thought I wanted to marry the person I was with. I honestly did. It was easy for me to get caught up in the fantasy of marriage but inevitably I would start having anxiety and insomnia all relating to that creeping thought "I can't be married." Why was it so hard then when Ryan left me? The answer is simple, he was my best friend. I shared every aspect of my life with him except the one in which I had known it would be going against my nature to be married. That was not right of me. I felt so confused then, I thought he wanted to be get hitched some day, he talked about it frequently. I thought that's what I wanted I thought that's what we should do. It is the natural thing, right? Sitting here now, I see so clearly that it wasn't natural for me.

I know this involves a lot of rambling. I apologize. I think if I were to ever date seriously again, I would need someone independent, self-sufficient and someone completely okay with me taking my life to places like India for a while. I am not saying I'm becoming asexual, I am not saying that I can not value a relationship. I'm just saying that I am not a girl who is attracted to the thought of being married. Is it fair to expect a partner to wait around while I work somewhere far away? Is it possible to find someone compatible with the path in life I have chosen? Will they be okay with my marriage aversion? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind a best friend to share the joys and sorrows of life with. I believe that marriages can work and be beautiful. I believe in love and I know I can love someone forever. I just don't know that a married life is compatible with my personality. I'm not 100% sure the point of blogging all of this but after the two conversations I had this evening, I can't stop wondering why for the last five or so years have I tried to obtain something I didn't truly want? Can someone explain the psychology of that to me???

I think part of it is that I do want to have a child some day and traditionally that involves two parents. I completely and honestly see myself adopting one child, as an only parent in the far future. I have seen that in myself for a long time. Mom and dad, you can't say that you are surprised. I don't personally feel that this is wrong. I know I can raise a child in a healthy home environment as one parent. Again, if life threw me a curve ball and plopped someone down in my life that I am meant to be with forever, I won't turn away. It's just my life was re-centered months ago and I am on this kick about being honest with myself, yada yada yada. Here's a little snippet from mwY that is 100% applicable in my life:


I was once the wine and you were the wineglass,

I was once alive when you held me,
but God became the glass, and all things left are emptiness

Truth

8 comments:

  1. You're great. PLEASE listen to Vanessa Carlton's song, "I don't want to be a bride." I belt it out in my car DAILY. xoxo

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  2. I imagine these thoughts come from the massive confidence boost that must come from living and working in another country. You are realising your independence (sorry if that sounds patronising but I mean it as a good thing!). I'd never imagined myself as a wife or mother, ever. Like you, I don't like to tell that to everyone, because it's usually met with "well, you'll feel differently when you're older," which is the last thing anybody ever wants to hear. I must say, my current partner has made me daydream about marriage a little, but I know I'm not there yet and wouldn't be heartbroken if we didn't go there. I still can't ever imagine myself as a mother. It's a very tough stereotype to crack (surely all good little women want to end up married and live happily ever after, right?!) but I think it's far better to be honest with yourself than to go against your instincts just because it's what's expected of you. And as you say, you never know where life's going to take you!

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  3. I agree very much with Eleni that it is great and I feel happy for you that you have finally come to terms with yourself and can honestly say what you want and don't want in life and of yourself. You must feel a great sense of relief, I'm sure!

    By the way I just stumbled upon your blog today, and I'm so glad I did!

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  4. @Carynn You mean the song I've been playing on repeat for the last 24 hours? Oh, I listened. It is so spot on and perfectly written!! Thank you for sharing it

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  5. It's brave to let yourself be yourself, especially when that means going against what some people call "human nature" and others know is simply cultural expectation. Here's to knowing yourself and knowing what you want, and to looking for that in your life! Now I think I need to go listen to that song...

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  6. I found your blog this morning through SometimesSweet and I have been reading it for hours (while I should be working, oops!). I have to admit, I am completely and totally inspired by you, your love for others, your selfless acts...
    I hadn't felt compelled to comment until I read this:
    "I can't stop wondering why for the last five or so years have I tried to obtain something I didn't truly want? Can someone explain the psychology of that to me???"
    This is exactly what I am going through. I am 25 years old and ending an engagement to a man I've been with for 5 years. After these past 5 years, I've decided that the money-hungry, selfish life I've created with him isn't what I want. I realized it when I offered to foster a dog (SO not anything of significance compared to what you do, but I can't do much else) and my ex-fiance said "if this is the kind of thing you want to do with your life then we aren't meant to be together". He's never been the type to give any of himself, while I feel that my job on this earth is to give any of my free time to others. I am insistent on changing my life, for the better.
    Thank you for being so inspiring!!

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  7. @KristanWithAnA It is really hard for a multitude of reasons to end a relationship, for any reason. Take comfort in knowing that you are trying to move forward in a positive way. Fostering a dog IS significant and compassionate! Thank you so much for your kind words <3

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