12.29.2011

California Dreaming

As expected, I failed to snap too many pictures while visiting my friends and family. The trip was really quick and I felt like I barely had time to breathe! Walking up the ramp from immigration in LAX, knowing my mom was going to be  on the other end waiting for me was so overwhelming that even thinking about it now makes me feel the same. It was definitely a good moment. We (read: I) inhaled breakfast, I think that is the point where my mom realized that my eating habits have changed a bit. Saturday was pretty laid back, Sunday I spent the day with my best friend, had a yummy lunch and dinner and a very good time catching up face to face. Monday I drove up to the high desert where my sister and her family lives and arrived just in time for it to start snowing!! I met my newest niece (who is the cuddliest/best baby ever), played with my other niece and nephews and caught up with my sister. Tuesday my family celebrated my birthday late/my sister's birthday early, Wednesday I saw my best friend again, Thursday I hung out with my best friend from my old job and ate dinner with many old work friends, Friday I hung out and met up with a friend for dinner and Saturday we celebrated Christmas a week early.

Then Sunday came. I knew it would be hard. Seven days with the people I love was not nearly enough time. I hurt so much from Saturday night before I left, and even in this moment as I type I hurt again. Here is the truth as I have come to know it: Life is about making choices. Simple, right? I believe and feel that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt though that there is something so much greater than myself that is guiding me, orchestrating my path in life. I, as a human, have the choice to follow the path I am being nudged towards or to turn around and walk away. To walk into the comfort of the life I knew for 25 years, to have my family and friends at my fingertips. But I can't. I can't because I have tasted life here. I have had the incredible opportunity to be shown the value of giving up what you know for what you don't. Undoubtedly, the most difficult part of flying East of California is doing just that. Leaving. Everything else comes easily after. I would be lying if I said that I don't struggle. I worry that I may disappoint or hurt the people I love so deeply in the states by choosing this path. I worry about it more than I should even as they tell me not to worry. Who said it would be easy though, right?

As I watched my niece and nephews play, held my newest niece and cuddled her close I missed my children in India. I missed my kids here who only get hugs from us, who get fed through people across the world's generous donations. I couldn't stop seeing the children here in the faces of my sister's family. Will my nieces and nephews forgive me for being more of a part of the kids lives here than there own during this time? Will they understand? My family does such a good job of loving my nieces and nephews, that I feel comforted in that knowledge. My trip to the states, as hard as some parts were, filled me up to the brim. All of the support, kind words, hugs (and sharpies!) prepared my heart to come back to Guwahati and continue in this journey. Now, it is time for me to take my little sister on her first feeding adventure in the Lakhtokia slums :)











3 comments:

  1. You follow your heart and you'll be eternernally happy!

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  2. As I have moved around and tried and to find a location and path for my life, my dad's advice has always rung true: Life is a series of tradeoffs.

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  3. I couldn't relate to you more. I'm glad to know we entertain similar thoughts, questions and feelings.

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