time won't wait for me: 08.2011

8.28.2011

Book Review, a vlog (v4.0)!

I've been a book reading machine!! Here's a little vlog with perhaps useless reviews on the seven books I've read recently!

8.26.2011

I spent this evening discussing relationships with my roomie over a nice dinner of veg chopsuey. That might seem like extraneous information and it probably is but I think you should know that chopsuey is amazing but fresh lime soda that actually tastes like oral rehydration salts is not. You never really know what you're going to get here when it comes to the old taste buds.

Wait, what was the point of this? Oh, right, real life late night thoughts. The flatie and I were talking about being single and how many outfits I have to submit to Carynn for her sporadic feature "Things Single Girls Wear" and where we stand on the possibility of forging futures with men. Then later I Skyped with my dad for well over a hour and part of the convo involved discussing my future. I don't see this being the only time I work in another country, in fact I don't want this to be the last time I work in another country. I envision my life bouncing back between working for periods in California then abroad then back to California.

Here is my slow surfacing epiphany and I'm just going to put it out there because maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't know that I see myself ever being married. I don't know that that is truly something I desire. I have known that for, well, a really long time. That is probably one of the most honest and open things I have ever put up here for 'the world' to read. It took a long time for me to accept this and realize it. I knew it while I was with Ryan and I knew it in other relationships. At some point in every relationship I have ever been a part of, I thought I wanted to marry the person I was with. I honestly did. It was easy for me to get caught up in the fantasy of marriage but inevitably I would start having anxiety and insomnia all relating to that creeping thought "I can't be married." Why was it so hard then when Ryan left me? The answer is simple, he was my best friend. I shared every aspect of my life with him except the one in which I had known it would be going against my nature to be married. That was not right of me. I felt so confused then, I thought he wanted to be get hitched some day, he talked about it frequently. I thought that's what I wanted I thought that's what we should do. It is the natural thing, right? Sitting here now, I see so clearly that it wasn't natural for me.

I know this involves a lot of rambling. I apologize. I think if I were to ever date seriously again, I would need someone independent, self-sufficient and someone completely okay with me taking my life to places like India for a while. I am not saying I'm becoming asexual, I am not saying that I can not value a relationship. I'm just saying that I am not a girl who is attracted to the thought of being married. Is it fair to expect a partner to wait around while I work somewhere far away? Is it possible to find someone compatible with the path in life I have chosen? Will they be okay with my marriage aversion? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind a best friend to share the joys and sorrows of life with. I believe that marriages can work and be beautiful. I believe in love and I know I can love someone forever. I just don't know that a married life is compatible with my personality. I'm not 100% sure the point of blogging all of this but after the two conversations I had this evening, I can't stop wondering why for the last five or so years have I tried to obtain something I didn't truly want? Can someone explain the psychology of that to me???

I think part of it is that I do want to have a child some day and traditionally that involves two parents. I completely and honestly see myself adopting one child, as an only parent in the far future. I have seen that in myself for a long time. Mom and dad, you can't say that you are surprised. I don't personally feel that this is wrong. I know I can raise a child in a healthy home environment as one parent. Again, if life threw me a curve ball and plopped someone down in my life that I am meant to be with forever, I won't turn away. It's just my life was re-centered months ago and I am on this kick about being honest with myself, yada yada yada. Here's a little snippet from mwY that is 100% applicable in my life:

I was once the wine and you were the wineglass,

I was once alive when you held me,

but God became the glass, and all things left are emptiness

Truth

Manali: In Pictures

Oh, the public bus

She hung out like that for a good hour

The Beas River flooded, caused rock slides and blocked the road to Manali. 16 hours on a bus turned into 25

Was rewarded with the beauty of Manali

It was actually chilly!

I spent my last day there amongst the birds of Solang Valley

#TSGW and falling in mud

8.24.2011

GC4 Update

In case you were still wondering what in the heck it is that I am doing all the way out here in Guwahati, this video is your answer. It was put together at our center by one of the residents. It completely details just what the Guwahati Comprehensive Cleft Care Center (GC4) is all about!

Alphabet soup

I just got back from a little vacation, or "holiday" as it would be referred to here. It was amazing and to see the pictures just visit my other blog! Stepping away from Guwahati, the center and my life here which completely revolves around this project was renewing. I loved seeing another part of India, I was rejuvenated and ready to come back to the center by the end of it. I missed my little home here and all of the patients. On Monday I started training in the operating room (aka the operating theatre or OT) and it is really exciting! It is a very different world from PACU, pre op and post op. Scrubbing in and assisting the surgeons has given me a different perspective on the surgeries we do, I feel as though learning the OT roles has put all the puzzle pieces together for me. Learning the instruments, what each surgeon calls them, what they prefer, what they expect from you is a challenge! It seems that a good scrub nurse becomes one with the surgeon to the point where the surgeon should rarely have to ask for anything, the nurse should know and have that instinct of what comes next. I am definitely not there at all, but I have only scrubbed for 4 cases. Hopefully by the end of 2 weeks I will be competent enough that I could be used as needed in there!!

Next week the medical staff and a handful of the local nurses take their first ever AHA PALS course. I have been doing skills labs with them and helping to prep them for what they will learn. Every nurse that is taking the class has the potential to pass and prove their knowledge. I just hope that all the work and labs we have done will help them in their confidence with the knowledge. After they take their provider course, myself and some other employees will become instructor certified then we will be able to continue to train and do provider classes! It is so exciting!

Varanasi

Rishikesh v1.0

Rishikesh v2.0

LONG bus rides

Manali

First day in the OT!

So maybe in a few days I will let you all know exactly how long I will be staying in India. I am still figuring that all out, it is not an easy or clear cut decision.