4.09.2015

I light an incense and two tea-lights. I place them in their small lotus shaped holders and set my gaze on a small figure of Buddha. I can always find calm and clarity in this place.

I open my mind to memories that I have been tucking away since the day I met you. My thoughts always begin with the day we met, when we realised you were my daughter and I was your momma. I still get the same feeling in my chest as I did that day, I hope that feeling never goes away. I waver between confidently knowing how strong our bond is and worrying that over the years I have not done enough.

The candles flicker in their holders. The thin stream of smoke coming from the incense twists and fades. Its comforting scent settles in every corner of this small home. My gaze remains steady and my mind continues to softly replay everything I am holding on to.

I don't actually know how to be a mother to a five year old little girl. But does anyone really know? Parenting is something organic. It is a natural progression of growth and learning. I keep reminding myself that every child's mother was a first time parent at some point.

The current goes out but the candles provide light. The incense starts to burn more slowly without the breeze from the ceiling fan. The orange glow of its ember becomes steady and unwavering.

The very first picture you drew in art class is starting to disintegrate. I have a habit of running my fingertips over it. It is the only piece of you I have that is tangible. You have grown and changed so much. You've gone from being scared and shy to confident and outgoing. Your smile has found a home etched in the back of my eyelids. You are my last thought as I fall asleep and my first thought as I wake up.

The current comes back and it jolts me back into an awareness of my present surroundings. The sudden start of my fan blows out the tea lights. My incense offering reaches its end. I linger a moment longer and envision the day when we will sit here side by side and thank the universe for bringing us together. Until then, everything I do is with clear intention of bringing that moment to actualisation.

You are my lotus flower. You are my epoch of happiness and fulfilment.