2.02.2016

I clutch the locket my mother gave me. It only made its home around my neck a few days ago but its presence feels so familiar. I trace my thumb over its smooth backing repeatedly as if I'm feverishly seeking penance for grievances unknown. I can't help but wonder if their pictures encased in this delicate silver lotus is as close as I will ever come.

One who is but may never be and one who was but never came to be.

Honestly, I never knew. Never knew I wanted to be a mother. God it hurts, actually. To scratch that word down on paper because what am I really? Is there even a noun to describe a person such as me?

The almost mother.

A woman clutching desperately at the silver chain around her neck, trying fruitlessly to grasp the future.

For a moment I think I ought to tuck the locket back below my shirt, a naive attempt to disregard the pain of uncertainty.  I can feel its ever-present warmth, the delicate weight of them near to my heart. I glance at the man sitting next to me and fleetingly wonder what he might be hiding just out of my sight. I turn my face back to the tiny airplane window. Tears seem to always lay just behind my eyelids these days, threatening to expose my perpetual state of weakness. I feel them start to slide down my cheeks, their presence greeting me like the comforting embrace of an old friend. I used to be a stronghold and I thought that meant I was brave. Now I know that bravery is bearing your vulnerability and finding a way forward even when loss is imminent.

I remember when my love held me and explained that they are our compass, our true North. We can't falter now that they've shown the way. I take in the sight of their two tiny pictures once more and give thanks before finally snapping it closed.

4 comments:

  1. ohhh... those words are so beautiful Kristin... I wish you all the very best. You really really deserve it.

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  2. Kristin my Darling girl.. What beautiful words. I hope you are well and happy. I met you just before some painful events and I was unable to keep in touch.. But I have thought about u many a time and always wish you the best. Lots of love. Bek from phillipines. Here's my email. Bekschafe@gmail.com

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  3. Hey beautiful girl. I'm.so happy to have found this blog. I have been wanting to write for a long time bhr haven't found you. Until now. I am so sorry I was so bad at staying in touch, it was a hard time of my life and I couldn't keep up.. I always think of you and wish you all the best. Please send me an email sometime when hour free. I would love to hear from you. Bekschafe@gmail.com

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  4. Hi Kristin! I'm Thao's sister..I'm not sure if you remember me, but we met at The Boiling Crab eons ago. I was thinking about India, and you popped into my head. Truth be told, I've thought about you here and there over the years, because I always admired your heart and courage (and your drive to do something with the 2). Anyway, I hope you are well, and I wanted you to know you have someone here in Washington DC sending you positive thoughts! <3

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