time won't wait for me

What would it feel like

2012-02-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

What would it feel like to find out you are with child? What would it feel like to carry the pregnancy out while continuing to work in the tea fields day and night? To continue doing manual labor, to not be able to receive prenatal care, to give birth at home or in a field far from help? What would it feel like to give birth to a baby with a cleft condition? To have your hopes shattered in a society where it is considered unacceptable to have a child with a deformity.

What would it feel like to be told as a mother, this condition was caused by your bad luck. Maybe you cut a fish while pregnant, or conceived during a lunar eclipse or had bad karma. What would it feel like to have the blame placed on your back as a mother, as a woman who wants nothing more than to birth a healthy child? How do your feel in those first moments, as you take it all in? I am not a mother, I have never carried a child, given birth or been told that my child is unworthy of life. I can not even begin to imagine what it would feel like.

What would it feel like to step into a hospital in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by foreign faces. After months or years of being told it was all your fault, what would it feel like to learn that you are not to blame? Is it too late to change that heaviness in your heart? What would it feel like to see your child treated by others as a beautiful and perfect being? That beautiful and perfect child that you as a mother always saw?

I wouldn't share this if it wasn't something we experience here every day. Sometimes I feel like if I talk about these realities that it will come across like those television ads with pictures of starving children with flies all over them, asking for sponsorship. But you guys, this is a reality. This is happening every single day when it shouldn't be. Mother's being outcasted from their family for giving birth to a baby who has a cleft lip or palate. Being told it is their fault, not having food provided for them or their child. Babies being dumped in trash bins, placed on train tracks to be killed. It happens too often that the baby is brought to us at the very brink of succumbing to starvation. Their malnourishment is so severe that their immune system is compromised, their skin is covered in sores and sometimes they are so hungry that they suck on their fingers to the point of making the nails come off. Babies who are months old but are the weight of a preemie. Parents who were guided by a doctor to feed their cleft baby twice per day... a tactic used on uneducated parents so that their child will pass away. I don't often feel angry, but this, this makes my head throb with anger. My colleagues developed an amazing nutrition program that gives these babies a chance. The power that was taken away from parents is given back through proper education. Does that heaviness start to lift?

Today we operated on five thousandth patient in Assam. The backlog of clefts has been reduced from approximately 20,000 to 15,000. This patient happened to be one of the very first patients in our nutrition program. In July she came to us in need of serious support, seven months later she is at the proper weight and nutritional status to receive a safe surgery. The smile on her mother's face as the baby went back for her operation stretched from ear to ear. She was empowered, supported. We kept our promise made seven months ago, that her beautiful daughter would gain weight if fed properly, that her beautiful daughter would be operated on. That the whole family would be given a chance. What would it feel like, to know that you saved your child?

'I will see you again, a long time from now...'

2012-02-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Lots of silliness at the old work place this week! We have started recruiting patients from a few new districts which seems to be equalling many young children with unrepaired lips. Add that to the handful of volunteers that have come for the "mission week" and you have a party! The work place has been a little stressful lately, long hours, long weeks, new responsibilities. As I am doing less hands on care (giving it over to the local nurses) I have been making it a point to visit the patients through out the day. If I even feel a tiny twinge of stress I go out to the child life area and sit down to play even if just for five minutes. These three munchkins were the first cases done yesterday and all of them were just making me smile ear to ear. The first little boy (on the left) was so serious and stoic but enjoyed his coloring time! The little girl on the right walked right into the operating room then in the recovery room she insisted on feeding herself juice, arranging her blankets, fixing up her IV line and lounging around. Then there is the little lady in the middle picture. I have not met a personality quite like hers. Pre-operatively I was playing with her when out of nowhere she made the craziest face! It turned into a back and forth of face making that lasted until she walked through those operating room doors. That evening I went down to visit her and she was only funnier! She was going wild, as if she hadn't even had surgery that day. She had my hand in a death grip and told me I wasn't allowed to go! We were making silly noises, crazy eyes and she was pinching my cheeks like I was a chubby little baby! The silliness only ensued this morning and I wondered if this is what she is like here, imagine what a handful she is at home!

On the team bonding day the student team came over and cooked meals for Asha Guwahati, we went down to the tracks and the passing of the food went so smoothly! What a good team they made and I was so grateful for their help and support. After, we headed to the river for the boat cruise/dance party. As always, I danced away then had to hear about it for the next few days haha. Afterwards, we headed to Umananda Temple aka the monkey temple. It was perhaps the best experience I have ever had at a temple. My friend/coworker who is Hindu explained everything to us, and as we were blessed we weren't asked for a ridiculous donation. It is quite a problem, that you receive the tikka mark or do puja then are asked for hundreds of rupees. It makes me really uncomfortable, especially after watching many locals give a much smaller donation. This temple didn't even force the subject and I gladly gave a small donation. There were a few monkeys which I really enjoyed staring at but overall, the blessing experience was the highlight.

Last night we had a group dinner at my favorite little restaurant around the corner from where I stay. I don't know why or how but the music they were playing might as well have been taken straight from my ipod. I have a huge memory association with music and it hearing some of those songs last night really made me emotional. I think the fact that it was late and I was hungry only made the situation worse. First they played "Only if For a Night" by Florence + The Machine then 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver and then "Hello I'm In Delaware" by City and Colour. I can not emphasize enough how out of the ordinary it is that I would be hearing this songs, this music is not popular hear and I have never heard this genre played in public. It was so unexpected that when the City and Colour song came on I got super lost in my own thoughts so much so that my friend noticed and asked me what I was thinking about. I told him the music made me think of the states and a different time in my life. He looked at me and said "We are family, I am your brother for when you are missing home." SO SWEET. I immediately welled up with tears and had excuse myself to step outside. He came out to check on me/cheer me up then brought me back inside. As I sat back down I became so thankful to have friends here. My guy friends are the sweetest men in my life. They know how to be friends and wanting nothing more than that. I find it extremely hard to find that in the states. SO thankful for Shamir and his sweetness (though as he left dinner, he made a crying face at me to tease me haha).

On a related by random note, I have been eating with my hands quite a lot. Cultural immersion at its finest.

Happy Saraswati Puja!

2012-01-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

Lots of sweet little updates, most of which happened yesterday!

Firstly, Happy Saraswati Puja! I am actually not sure if that is usually a well wishing but I sure did walk around saying it all day! Saraswati is the goddess of education/knowledge and yesterday it was all about her! As we started a mission yesterday, I didn't get a lot of time to learn about her in depth but the basics are that she always wore a beautiful white saree, seated on a lotus flower and holding an instrument. What this translates loosely to is that on Saraswati Puja the girls and women dress in their finest sarees and walk about town, going to schools for visits then performing puja. I remember arriving to Guwahati last year on this holiday, unaware of it being a holiday and being totally blown away by ALL of the women walking about in gorgeous dress! This year I participated as best I could. Half way through the surgery screening process I ducked out and put on the saree I bought in Jaipur then headed back to work! I have to admit, I love walking around in a saree and find it quite comfortable though different. I am not used to exposing my back and stomach but would wear shorts any given day! After screening, I went for coffee, walked to visit a friend and then walked to visit another friend! It was such a fun day!

Yesterday was Saturday so as planned we went back to the slums to check in with the family of the girl (Hasima) who needed to see a doctor. This was also an opportunity to check in on Anjuna (who by the way actually has the name Asbanu, but I'll keep referring to her as Anjuna...) to see how she is feeling after what happened Thursday. I was greeted with this:

So I think that everything is okay. Doesn't she have the warmest smile and brightest eyes? I felt so much better after hanging out with her for a bit yesterday. She walked with us to meet the family and after a good bathing, the girl and her mother went to the hospital with us. Along with the two of them, four or five other kids trailed along to hang out. I took Hasima to our pediatrician to be evaluated. He didn't feel that she warranted a hospital admission, which was reassuring. He ordered some basic labs, liver labs, an abdominal ultrasound and TB test. Unfortunately, we couldn't take them to the testing center right away so we let them go eat lunch with the promise they would come back after. They didn't come back :( I am not surprised, nor am I discouraged. Tomorrow morning I will go back, retrieve them again if they like and have them in the center until testing time. I am just happy that the mother and father trusted us enough to even be seen. Next we will take another small step forward as they are comfortable.

Meanwhile, outside the hospital the friends that trailed along were treated to a special/surprise lunch with Rosie! She took them to the bakery where they were allowed to pick out one lunch item and one sweet. They were hesitant to step in at first but became more than comfortable after stepping through the door. Rosie showed me the pictures, and I couldn't help but giggle! She said she expected them to want to take their food outside to eat but instead settled down right at the bar table along the window. They were lounging and totally enjoying themselves! What a sweet surprise for them!

Also! I made some new friends (that are actually my age) this week. On Wednesday night Kelly and I were at the market buying the supplies for the kids' meals when two soccer players from Africa started talking to us. We have all hung a out a few times and they are so fun! They are from Nigeria and travel all around India playing for a club team. It is always nice to meet people from new places!

2012-01-26T07:17:00.000-08:00

As promised, on Tuesday myself and two coworkers headed to the tracks to find the little girl who needs medical attention. As we entered the slum I immediately felt that something was off. All over, shanty homes had been knocked down, burned and removed. Quickly it was explained that the people in that area were being evicted, my stomach dropped. I can't even get into how I feel about the government evicting the innumerable amount of homeless all over the country... but it made me worry of course for all of my friends, all of the children we have come to love. I worried that we wouldn't find the girl who needed help but luckily with the help of some of the other children, we did. When she walked towards me I realized she was probably about five, and she walked like she was completely out of balance. My coworker who speaks the local language helped me talk to the father. As we were talking, I smiled at the girl, and reached out my hand to "tickle" her belly. It was rock hard against my fingers. Lurch in my stomach again. After much talking the father explained that he couldn't leave to take her to the hospital with us. One reason was because the government is evicting people from the slums and if he leaves, surely their home will be knocked down. The second reason was because he didn't feel that anything was wrong with his little girl. Knots in my stomach. I don't 100% know what I expected, I knew we wouldn't just swoop in and skip off to the doctor but I hoped he would trust us. The conversation went well but he wouldn't come with us. The end compromise is that I will return on Saturday and they will tell us then if they will go with us to the doctor. So, please continue to pray friends.

I initially thought I wouldn't share what I am about to but I think I want people to realize that it is not all rainbows and butterflies on Sundays. That despite all of the good and how much those of us that do this every week believe in it, that sometimes it is hard to the point of me having to walk away. You see here is the thing about me, I am a person who wants nothing more than to give, I am a lover, I am a servant and I am a person who feels endlessly. I feel so many emotions and I allow myself to feel them fully. So maybe why that is why I am sitting here full of guilt when maybe I shouldn't be but anyways here it goes.

It is winter here, at night under my thick blanket I wake up cold. I can't even imagine how cold it gets sleeping on the earth under a tarp. My friend/coworker arrived back in Guwahati this week after being at home for a stretch. She brought with her warm clothes to give to the kids and today (after much discussion) we decided it would be okay to hand it out after we gave the food. We wanted to give the meals, then walk away from the crowd to gain a bit more privacy/control to give the clothing to the kids. We both knew it would cause some madness, which is why until this point I have not given out anything beyond food in the slum. So that is what we did. The day was crazy to begin with, the crowd was massive, there was pushing and shoving and it felt like we had never been there before. It was a strange day, however when the food was gone things calmed and we continued on with the plan. I held Anjuna in my arms, hugging her then we walked hand in hand towards her home. As we got further from the crowd my friend handed the bag of clothing down to Anjuna with the intention of letting the kids sort it out, having no idea what would happen next. In a split second my little girl was swarmed, attacked by the other kids and even adults. She was on the ground screaming and crying out. People were hitting her with sticks, being completely animalistic and I was just tearing through them trying to pick her up. All I remember is yelling a lot, and scooping her up from behind and getting hit myself. Her sobs and screams hurt me like I have never hurt before. I pulled her away but the crowd kept pushing, she still wanted clothing of course and so she continued to put up a fight to receive something. I can't even describe what I was feeling in that moment and afterwards. I had to walk away at a point and couldn't look back. A few minutes later I still heard the yelling but saw Anjuna and some of the other children again. She came to me and looked utterly defeated, my feelings of guilt compounded. I picked her up again, she lay her head on my shoulder, I said I was sorry and soon we had to part ways.

Every week is such a positive and happy experience. The trust we have built, the joy that surrounds every meal there is real. Today I allowed the kids who trust me so much to be hurt (physically, emotionally) and I don't honestly know how to process this. I believe in giving, in serving and in acting on needs in your community. I whole heartedly believe in the purpose of Asha Guwahati and that is why I wanted to give out warm clothing when the opportunity came. What I didn't want was for the kids' survival instincts to kick in and cause them to harm one another. Even more than that, I did not want to put children who are so connected to us, who trust us to feel as though we were pitting them against one another. People will argue until they are blue in the face about their feelings on charity organizations, on giving assistance around the world and here in India specifically. The scene today might make a perfect argument of why people shouldn't just hand things out to those in need. I calmly listen to these opinions frequently and many time there are valid points made by either party but I stand by what we do here (both in the slums and at the surgical center) and anyone who visits and is a part of either of those stands by us too. The problem is that now I am stuck wondering how you forgive yourself for letting a child you love deeply be hurt by a situation you put them in...

Baby showers are not for boys

2012-01-26T06:10:00.000-08:00

Today is Republic Day in India so we had a day off! One of the dentists at the center is expecting her first child in about a month so the last few months have been full of conversations about the differences between American and Indian parenting experiences. She and I have talked about everything from pregnancy to birthing to newborn care and just about anything else you can imagine! It has been so informative and interesting to say the least. One major difference is that it is a criminal offense here to find out the gender of the baby in utero, therefore no gender specific planning happens before hand. There are not traditionally baby showers and the baby does not receive a name until it is one month old when a big reception is held. A few weeks ago Nisha extended an invitation and asked the ladies we work with to hold a baby shower! She has never attended one (and very sweetly exclaimed today that she's only seen them in movies) but she wanted to celebrate with us! We excitedly said yes and after feeding the kids today we all got together! As there aren't baby shower decorations around these parts she improvised and hand made a sign, hung balloons and got streamers. When we arrived we helped finish decorating, baked a cake and the games commenced....

...... Oh the games. A few of the men we work with wanted to come also so we said, hey why not? We're already breaking the norms by holding a baby shower so why not throw some guys into the mix? We learned quickly why! The games got a little intense right off the bat, accusations of cheating may have been flying around and by the end the boys sat separately from the girls with a few sour looks on their faces haha! Luckily it was all in good fun though the competitive factor was a new baby shower experience for me. All in all, it was really lovely and it was so fun that Nisha invited us to share this bit of culture with her! Next time I see her she will have had her little babe!

2012-01-23T08:21:00.000-08:00

Through the thick crowd we easily spot familiar faces, huge smiles, bright eyes and open hands. Weekly it is like having a reunion with loved ones you have been long separated from. Anjuna found her way through the throng this week, placed herself aside Deb and asked to help pass out the meals to her fellow children. Her order and understanding of the process, her ability to explain to her friends our purpose makes me speechless. Her need and desire to help gives me hope. It is not about the attention or the chance to have her picture snapped, it is about the moment. At the end of the frenzy she gives a quick hug, a goodbye and we have to wait again for the next joyous reunion.

Again this week, my new friend Sima invited me to her home. She stood on the outskirts of the crowd, watched the food being passed then excitedly made her way to me. She led me up those dark steps, down the tiny hallway and into her home. It felt like she was holding something back but once we arrived she let it go. With a shaking excitement, she embraced me as tightly as her little arms allowed. We hugged, she jumped up and down, and her face lit up like a thousand lights. She couldn't control her happiness, her friend had returned! We must be kindred spirits because at one point she couldn't sit any longer from the excitement so she asked me to dance. Dance we did, right there in the small open part of the room. It was definitely a moment where I wondered to myself "Is this my life?" and told myself never to forget what I felt in that moment. Life has been full of a lot of those moments lately.

Something else has been weighing heavily on my mind this past week. As I shared, we walked down through the slums last week to hand out the last of the meals. The other group, led by my friend Deb, came across a young girl who appeared very sick. As it is with many of the kids, she had no clothes (in the winter here) and had to be coaxed out to receive a meal. Later on at home Deb showed me the pictures and my stomach dropped. The little girl needs to see a doctor, but her family can not pay. I can not stop thinking about her and I can't help but think that our paths were meant to cross. So, I decided that tomorrow I will have to go back and offer help to her family. Please, friends can you pray for the little girl with a belly so big and limbs so thin that she can barely stand? I plan on paying for the care she will need and I was hoping you all would be okay if some of the donations I have received lately also went to her? All I know is that I can not ignore her blatant need for medical attention. She can not be so close to me, so close to a hospital and be allowed to just suffer. My mind has been in a constant state of prayer that her family will accept the offer of a visit to the doctor and I hope that you all will support me as I approach them tomorrow.

(sweet Anjuna helping me mark a hand)

(Then handing out the meal)

(Hello from my new best friend's house :)

2012-01-15T03:57:00.000-08:00

This weekend as we set up at the train tracks, you could feel that it was a holiday. There was an air of calm, many shops were closed, there wasn't any traffic and fewer people. There ended up being an unusually large group of volunteers coming alongside Deb and me this week, which I ended up being thankful for. The children trickled by to receive a meal and as we got down to the last fifteen or so packages, there were no more children in sight! The group of us ended up splitting in two and going into the slums itself. My group had a little tour guide, he took us down and around, passing out food on the way. It is always so awakening to walk through the slums themselves, to see the children stooped down eating the food we made, the looks of wonderment from its residents. We finished and meandered back to the rickshaw stand to meet up with the rest of the group; we were just enjoying being present in the market area, all in different conversations with locals.

A young girl who is always present at the tracks but refuses the meals drew me in, asked me to sit on a pile of collapsed cardboard with her so I did. She was around 11 or 12 years old and I had never really had the opportunity to talk with her. We exchanged the usual questions; I came to find that her uncle ran the little chai stand near by and she pointed to the building next to us, up to the third floor, and told me that was where she lived. Her eyes lit up as she asked me to come see her home. (Mind you the whole conversation was in my broken Assamese and her broken English.) I couldn't say no to those big bright eyes so hand in hand, off we went up to her home as I explained to my friends that I would walk home in a bit.

She led me up the stairs, down a dark hallway with rats scurrying by and finally through a tattered cloth hanging in a doorframe. Inside I was greeted with the smiles of her mother, father and two younger brothers. Mom had just gotten done bathing, the children were eating and quickly the girl asked me to sit down on their shared bed. They had no issues with me showing up out of nowhere and the girl was so happy to have me there, to show her parents one of the people who comes to their area every Sunday. They offered me food and water and I obliged. As I sat there and ate, she brought by every family member available explaining carefully how each person was related to her. As I finished my bowl of food she helped me clean up and then sat down and held my hand while we giggled at her playful brothers. My mind tried to take in the whole moment, my eyes, the environment. The bed her whole family shared was smaller than the one I sleep in by myself, her whole home smaller than my room. There was an alter in the corner with the candles burning low, a television and a small shelf on which they stored and made food. It clicked. I wondered, week in and week out, why she would not take the meals we brought. As I partook in the bit of food in their home I realized that she was honest. She knew she had food available to her, she didn't want or need to take a meal herself. I felt honored to have been invited to her humble home and then to have her family feed me! Eventually I explained I needed to go but we couldn't walk outside without stopping and meeting her auntie. Finally on the street corner as she released my hand to part ways she told me "Every Sunday, to my home you will come."

Welcome to the jungle

2012-01-10T07:19:00.000-08:00

We are pulling six day work weeks at the center for the next while in order for us all to compensate for closing the week between Christmas and New Years. I am only telling you this so that you, along with me, can be thankful that I wasn't wandering the streets of Guwahati on Saturday as I might normally on any given weekend afternoon. You see, on Saturday I found myself elbow deep in inventory when it was casually mentioned that there was a leopard on the streets. Seeing that I live in a jungle area, I am actually quite surprised that this is the first time I have heard of this. I used to live in the foothills in college and mountain lions used to hang out on campus a few times a year. That's something that happens when humans cause deforestation but I digress...

Hours later, I leave to walk home when I saw the center director and I jokingly inquired as to wether the leopard had been caught because I didn't want to get munched. The reply was yes, it was caught, and I went on walking home. Fast forward to the next afternoon when I am perusing HuffPost and see this headline : "Leopard Mauls Three People." Naturally I gasped and clicked on the link and read the article which you can read here (do not click if you don't like graphic photos). Spoiler: The leopard totally scalped a guy. A leopard scalped a guy down the street from me and I'm just joking about it being loose like I didn't know it was a wild animal and that it might actually hurt someone?? Also, the next day one of the men it attacked ended up passing away but I guess the doctors and the police think there was some foul play involved. As in, the leopard started mauling him and the family tried to "beat the leopard away" but "accidently" took the opportunity to beat the man to death? I'm not really sure. The article on HuffPost was written before he passed away.

It is terrible that the man passed away and two others were attacked, I of course would never want such a traumatizing event to happen to anyone so I don't at all what I am about to say to be misinterpreted. Now that that's clear, I want you to know that the leopard was caught because a tuk tuk driver was able to corner it into a home and shut the door until it could be tranquilized. It was planned that today it would be released back into the jungle. I am really proud that as a culture, the people here respect wild animals and though the leopard freaked out and attacked, it wasn't killed. It was treated humanely and with the understanding that when you encroach on a wild environment that sometimes the consequences are felt. It definitely opened my eyes to a whole different side of existence here....

2012-01-08T04:49:00.000-08:00

Every week I feel like my heart shatters and is rebuilt in a way that I never knew was possible. Each time it gets pieced back together it seems it is made bigger and one of these days, I am quite certain that it will be too big for my chest. Some days, today being one, I come home from feeding the kids and I weep as I clean up the dishes. I promise you, it is not because I am hurting. I cry because of the grace we are shown every day here. I cry because I am allowed to have my heart shattered to a thousand pieces by a place that knows perfectly well how to break you down and put you back together so that you are better than when you started.

Today one of the slum girls, Anjuna, sat down next to me as I was passing out the last few meals. She had her baby 'sister' on her lap and after a break to take a picture she picked up one of the meals and started passing out the food with me. A girl whom weeks ago begged from us on the streets now sat beside me and gave with a smile on her face to her fellow children. A girl who, when we started passing out meals in this particular slum, tried (and was successful on some occasions) to take multiple meals for herself, now helped explain to the coming kids and families that everyone receives one meal. The happiness in her giving was apparent. Can you see now how the change in her is so real that it brings me to my knees?

These emotions were only compounded as I thought about Anjuna being around ten or eleven years old and I re-read an email I received from a fourth grade teacher this morning. In the email she explained that she had stumbled across my blog through Sometimes Sweet and that her class decided to collect change in the month of December to donate to the kids here. She went on to tell me that though the socioeconomic demographics of her school are rough, the children of her class were able to "look beyond themselves and see the needs of others," they stuck by their decision to collect change and today, their donation made it's way to Guwahati. Children of ten or eleven years old saw a need far from the reaches of their reality and gave their nickels, dimes and pennies to help children of the same age out here. Once it reached here that love continued and the kids of the slums embraced the act of handing food out to one another. Can you see now, why my heart just breaks only to get put back together beautifully?

We have a huge responsibility in this life. The compassion that we show, the way that we open ourselves up in front of children affects them tremendously. Like light refracted through a drop of water, our tiniest of acts is magnified and multiplied and sent right back to us, or more importantly, to the world as a whole. Can you see now why it is so important to nurture a child's heart, to treat it as your own?

Rajasthan: In Pictures

2012-01-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

After spending the day in Agra, Annie and I boarded an overnight train and headed for Pushkar in the desert state of Rajasthan. It was beautiful! Annie spent her 18th birthday here... sick in bed. We ate some bad food and she had a one day illness. So glad it didn't turn into anything more. I quite enjoyed Pushkar!

Annie's first mahendi

What a fancy camel!

Pushkar Lake

Monkeys up to no good!

After a few days In Pushkar we headed by train to the very popular city of Jaipur. Jaipur was a crazy big city. Annie and I walked tons all over and spent Christmas Eve dancing on the roof top of our hotel. What a unique night it was! Jaipur was full of bazaars with beautiful fabrics; so beautiful that I purchased a saree, a lahenga style saree and a dupatta! I was in love with the colors and vibrancy of the city as a whole. It was packed with people though and lots of travelers means lots of touts which gets tiring by the end of the journey! Coming back to relatively quiet Guwahati was a huge relief.

Hawa Mahal

Amber Palace/fort

My dupatta :)

Agra: In Pictures

2012-01-06T00:03:00.000-08:00

Annie's whirlwind visit to India started with seeing the never forgettable and always awe inspiring Taj Mahal in the City of Agra!

Annie's first bicycle rickshaw ride (at 545am!)

Dressing like a ninja warms you up in the unexpected cold

Le Taj

The beauty is in the detail

Fancy Banana Lassi

Agra Fort took me surprise

Annie's first overnight train. Not quite the Hogwart's Express. I think she actually said that.

Perspective from the upper birth. Snuggling in, praying to not be attacked by bed bugs

While I was away...

2011-12-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

While I was gone my wonderful friends/coworkers continued to feed the kids on the weekends and held a very special street girls day in honor of Christmas!

California Dreaming

2011-12-29T01:34:00.000-08:00

As expected, I failed to snap too many pictures while visiting my friends and family. The trip was really quick and I felt like I barely had time to breathe! Walking up the ramp from immigration in LAX, knowing my mom was going to be on the other end waiting for me was so overwhelming that even thinking about it now makes me feel the same. It was definitely a good moment. We (read: I) inhaled breakfast, I think that is the point where my mom realized that my eating habits have changed a bit. Saturday was pretty laid back, Sunday I spent the day with my best friend, had a yummy lunch and dinner and a very good time catching up face to face. Monday I drove up to the high desert where my sister and her family lives and arrived just in time for it to start snowing!! I met my newest niece (who is the cuddliest/best baby ever), played with my other niece and nephews and caught up with my sister. Tuesday my family celebrated my birthday late/my sister's birthday early, Wednesday I saw my best friend again, Thursday I hung out with my best friend from my old job and ate dinner with many old work friends, Friday I hung out and met up with a friend for dinner and Saturday we celebrated Christmas a week early.

Then Sunday came. I knew it would be hard. Seven days with the people I love was not nearly enough time. I hurt so much from Saturday night before I left, and even in this moment as I type I hurt again. Here is the truth as I have come to know it: Life is about making choices. Simple, right? I believe and feel that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt though that there is something so much greater than myself that is guiding me, orchestrating my path in life. I, as a human, have the choice to follow the path I am being nudged towards or to turn around and walk away. To walk into the comfort of the life I knew for 25 years, to have my family and friends at my fingertips. But I can't. I can't because I have tasted life here. I have had the incredible opportunity to be shown the value of giving up what you know for what you don't. Undoubtedly, the most difficult part of flying East of California is doing just that. Leaving. Everything else comes easily after. I would be lying if I said that I don't struggle. I worry that I may disappoint or hurt the people I love so deeply in the states by choosing this path. I worry about it more than I should even as they tell me not to worry. Who said it would be easy though, right?

As I watched my niece and nephews play, held my newest niece and cuddled her close I missed my children in India. I missed my kids here who only get hugs from us, who get fed through people across the world's generous donations. I couldn't stop seeing the children here in the faces of my sister's family. Will my nieces and nephews forgive me for being more of a part of the kids lives here than there own during this time? Will they understand? My family does such a good job of loving my nieces and nephews, that I feel comforted in that knowledge. My trip to the states, as hard as some parts were, filled me up to the brim. All of the support, kind words, hugs (and sharpies!) prepared my heart to come back to Guwahati and continue in this journey. Now, it is time for me to take my little sister on her first feeding adventure in the Lakhtokia slums :)

Out loud

2011-12-22T23:39:00.001-08:00

The day that I arrived in California I stood on my parents' driveway and exclaimed to my mom "It is SO quiet." I listened, listened for anything and for what felt like an eternity, heard nothing. In a neighborhood on a Saturday afternoon, I heard NOTHING. It was maybe the first bit of culture shock I experienced on my visit home.In India life seems to exist out loud. As an exercise to testify to this here is a list of the distinguishable sounds I currently hear:-Monkeys jumping across rooftops (and making monkey noises)-Children's happy laughter-Kites fluttering in the wind-Car horns-Singing-A call to prayer projected in the distance-Motorcycle motors revving- Whistles-A plastic bathing cup being clanked against its bucket-The footsteps of a person who drags their feet-Dogs barking-A pressure cooker releasing steam in the kitchen-So many voices that they all meld together and just sound like LIVING.I have heard it said before that in this great sub-continent, every aspect of life occurs right out in the open. It is something I have really come to relish about living here. It might be something that honestly overwhelms people at first. Put all of the above sounds together and at first it just sounds like noise. A whole lot of noise. As you absorb yourself into it a bit more though, you would find that just about every noise has a purpose and a place. As I walk down the busy bazaar with my sister I am reminded of that. I hear an approaching vehicle, a communicative honk, and I instinctively move away from the sound. But there are so many other stimulations that my sister can't yet distinguish the patterns in the noise. So I am doing my best to help her out (because I definitely don't want her to get squished by an eleven year old driving a scooter.) I try to remember my first visit here, I certainly didn't understand or appreciate all of the horns, the singing, the voices, the sounds of cooking and I definitely didn't appreciate that if you put it all together it has such a positive, happy ring to it. Like putting the right notes together on an instrument, the sounds of life here meld together in beautiful harmony.

Notes from an airplane v2.0

2011-12-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

I arrived in California on Saturday and so far my visit home has been so great! Travelling to the states usually takes around 30 hours, a majority spent squished into a plane. For some reason my internal monologue goes out of control when I'm travelling....

230pm: I love airports.

256pm: The foreigner count in the Guwahati airport is up to 16. This has to be some kind of record.

445pm: Who goes to the toilet 3 times on a two hour flight?!

505pm: Guy next to me is fully staring at my screen right now. No privacy. Ever.

810pm: Got choked up walking up to immigration to leave India. I can't believe I am going to hug my mom in Los Angeles in 24 hours.

1007pm: Air Emirates, I love you!!

1243am: Starbucks in my hand. Starbucks in my mouth. My mouth tastes like Christmas!! Doing a happy dance. A Christmas themed happy dance!

214am: Just fell asleep in a bathroom in Dubai.

218am: I've been wearing these pants for 17+ hours. Glanced in the mirror on my way out of the bathroom and noticed that you can see my bright pink undies right through the pants. Classy.

245am: Dear Sir complaining about having to wait 15 minutes in the security check line even though you're "business class." I'd love to give you some real life perspective.

247am: Aisle seat on the four seater middle row. Dang!!

330am: Wait, no one next to me on a 16 hour flight. It's a party in row 25!

557am: I'm impressed with how compact I can make myself in order to sleep horizontally.

112pm: There's nothing like being woken up by your own drool going down your shirt.

140pm: When did become the lady that shoves her extra airplane food in her bag?

151pm: "Wanna be my chammak challo, oh oh ohhhh?" Bollywood dance party in row 25!

715pm/715am: A bread roll just fell out of my bag. The 70-something-year old man to my left picked it up and handed it back to me. So much judgement in his eyes.

745am: Accidentally told U.S. immigration that I would be in India another 5 years when I meant 5 months. Freudian slip?

Funk off! while you still can!!

2011-12-07T10:07:00.001-08:00

This week has felt a bit long and it is only Wednesday, but I think that has to do with anticipating my visit to California! We are working hard around the surgical center and things have felt so smooth lately, it is amazing how this place has built itself from the ground up over the last year. One of my roommates left today as her year contract is finished. I can't believe it! Time is passing quickly and it feels like the clock is just ticking down... will I ever want to leave this job? Daily I get to look at adults and kids alike and say that this is their day. Everyday I am there is potentially the best day of that persons life, whereas working in the Pediatric ICU was the polar opposite of that on most occasions. I feel like I am living in a different world completely!

I was walking home both last night and tonight through the ever busy "fancy bazar" picking up gifts and such for my friends and family. Last night I heard "Sister!" yelled across the bustling street and glanced over to see three of the girls we feed in the slums. They ran up to Lousie and I to say hi and stare at us for awhile before we parted ways. It was so cute and then tonight I was walking through the market again by myself when another two girls (one of them with a baby on her hip) ran up to say hi also. One of the girls is Anjuna, my sweet but sassy friend who gave me the monster hug that melted my heart last Sunday. She walked me half way home, hand in hand and boy did we conjure up some stares. I am used to getting started at, so much so that I don't even notice anymore. That means for me to notice tonight, it must have been extra bad! I guess a foreigner walking hand in hand through the market with a street child isn't something you see everyday though it is becoming my everyday as well as theirs... I stopped and bought the three kids dinner before we parted ways, though I am sure they would have been happy to just walk the whole way with me. Again, it took everything within me to not take them straight home for a good bath and warm home made food. Ugh, my heart is so insistent on finding a way to do that!

Weekly support is coming to these kids in ways that I never fathomed to be possible. A woman has offered to hand knit blankets, another to collect clothing and now Funk Off! who makes vegan bath and body products teamed up with Sometimes Sweet and is donating to Asha Guwahati! Funk Off contacted Danielle sometime ago to make a signature scent series with her and is now offering $1 (that's 4 or 5 meals!!) from each purchase of her signature series will go towards feeding the kids here! Danielle is also graciously hosting a give-away over on her blog click here to be taken to her blog for the details! Or just go here to order the "Sometimes Sweet Signature Series" soap, lotion or spray (or all 3!)

.Agape.

2011-12-04T08:24:00.001-08:00

As Louise, Michael and I fed the children this past Sunday I found myself in the midst of a huge, bear hug from one of the girls. It was that type where she just leapt up into my arms and wrapped her thin arms and legs around me then giggled. She hugged me tight, and I could easily feel her joy there in my arms. We nuzzled into each other, I squeezed my eyes closed and softly I thought "This must be what Agape love feels like." I honestly hadn't even heard or used the term 'agape love' for at least ten years but I think I, for the first time, am experiencing it. This week the children did not panic with the fear that they would not receive food when they saw us. Instead we received smiles, hugs and (fairly) organized lines. This is the fourth or fifth week in a row that I have fed the kids in this particular slum, I love these children in a way that I have never felt before. I wonder, I hope, I pray that they feel it too.

We changed things a little bit this time around. There were only three of us and I was worried because usually we have around five. We made the fifty meals in record time, and when I return to India after my visit to the states I will finally be able to purchase the huge pots and a gas counter-top stove. That means that I will be able to increase the meals I make each time. When we walked away this week, I told Louise that it seems I could start making 75 meals or so. So I have to. In addition, I brought along a sharpie marker so that I could mark each child's hand as they receive their meal. This significantly reduced the chaos, plus it was really cute to see the children in the line catch on and come to me with their hands out, palms facing down as opposed to up. Their hands are so dirty, so it also seems that perhaps since things are calming down that I could take the time to wash them before getting their meal.

As we left to walk home, some of my favorite girls grabbed our hands and walked with us. I stopped and asked them each their names, they gazed at my Mahendi and we shared some more hugs. It took everything within me to not just march them down to my home and allow them to bathe and maybe even feed them again. Maybe someday.

In four days I fly to the states. I have to admit, that though I miss my family and friends dearly I am going to miss this the next two weeks. Luckily, I have amazing friends and coworkers here who will continue to feed the kiddos in my absence. Then, I will arrive back just in time to have an extra special Christmas with a street girls day and a Christmas meal for the slums made with that crazy, unique Agape love.

Sam Means/Christmas All Over Again/Petty/Asha Guwahati

2011-12-04T02:58:00.000-08:00

Wait, what?

Last time I wrote, I mentioned that my friend Danielle blogged about what is happening here in Guwahati. She is an amazing woman and a well-loved blogger. She decided she wanted to do something with her readership and spreading the word about Asha Guwahati was on her list. In just over a weeks time her post has garnered crazy amounts of support for the kids here. To top it all off, she approached me a few days ago about the following:

Sam Means is a musician based out of Arizona, his wife is friends with Danielle. Sam is formally of the band The Format, and I have to be real for a second, I may have squealed when I read Danielle's e-mail because I am a big fan of The Format and have been for many years. I squealed again as I continued to read and found out that he and his wife heard about Asha Guwahati and wanted to help. They had already made a donation after reading Danielle's post but they are not stopping there. Sam covered Tom Petty's "Christmas All Over Again" this year and like Tom Petty, Sam wanted to give the proceeds to charity. From Sam's site:

Originally written and performed by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Featured on the second "A Very Special Christmas" CD to benefit Special Olympics, Petty generously donated the royalties to the song to the organization. Since its release in 1992, the song has raised more than $200,000 to benefit athletes with intellectual disabilities.

All donations from this version will be donated to

Animal Welfare League (aawl.org) & Asha Guwahati (he.llomer.ch/asha)
released 01 December 2011

SPECIAL THANKS TO

Don Raymond, Jr., Bass Guitar

Patrick Carrie, Electric Guitar

You can listen to the song below and purchase it (for only 99cents!) right then or head over to iTunes and purchase it there! I am so happy and still in disbelief at everyone's support. Please let me and Sam and Danielle know if you purchase the song! Every purchase will go so far.

<p>&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://means.bandcamp.com/track/christmas-all-over-again-cover"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Christmas All Over Again (Cover) by Sam Means&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

"Picnic" time

2011-11-28T19:56:00.001-08:00

A few months ago I was approached by one of the local nurses regarding setting up a nurses picnic. I said of course, it sounded fun and asked her how we should plan it. To me, a picnic is packing a lunch and taking it to a park to eat then leaving. Not here. Here a picnic is an all day event. You cook at the site, play music, games and hang out. I told her that maybe she should plan the picnic and I will just chip in financially as I had never had such a picnic experience before. Weeks went by and for one reason or another they ended up throwing it together at the last minute. So, on Saturday it happened. We got a late start but drove down to a remote area on the bank of the Brahmaputra and set up. By the time I had moseyed down to the river bank the local nurses were in action mode. Some were chopping up vegetables, others setting down collecting water, washing meat or setting up a make shift awning. I had never stepped foot in the Brahmaputra river before (or any body of water here for that matter) but for some reason it just seemed right. The river bed was really sinky, my foot got sucked into the guck within the first step. I ventured out further though and the girls showed me how to skim the less dirty water off the top of the tiny ripples. It was interesting to say the least. After we filled the bowls it was cooking time. They brought along a cook from the hospital's canteen and he cooked chicken masala, dal and a veg dish. We chopped up salad and the feistier ladies enjoyed a nice Fosters beer. The car was playing music, there was dancing, hair doing and game playing. Eventually the feast was ready and the food was fantastic! The most touching part of the day was that there were a lot of left overs which were donated to me to give to the kids the following day! It was a very unexpected and great day on the Brahmaputra with the nurses I have come to love like family!

On giving thanks

2011-11-27T07:25:00.001-08:00

I can guarantee you that I did not know the thankfulness one year ago that I know now. How do you truly give thanks? You go down to train tracks; you go right to the slums. You hand out food to tiny outreached hands. To children without clothing. To babies with bellies rounded from a mixture of starvation and parasites. You hold girls from the slums on your lap, you grasp their hand and hug them with big hugs. You donate one dollar, ten dollars, one hundred dollars. And with that touch, that smile, that donation, that meal, you are telling them how much they are loved. You, from places all over the world, are showing them how much you care. So when the man from the shop across the way tells me that what I am doing has no point, that the whole of India is poor and starving I can hear you with me in response "We have to start somewhere, and right here in this slum, with with these kids is that place." I think of how much support I have received, especially in the last two weeks and I am broken with gratefulness. To those of you who helped me pass out food last Thursday, those on the mission team and those of you who have donated over the last week in response to Danielle, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The relationship you are enabling me to build with these children and this community is real. The potential for this project is immense. Honestly, at times I feel intimidated or inadequate but your support pushes me forward. For some reason you have chosen to believe in this, to love these children as they deserve to be loved. There is nothing that I could be more thankful for than that.

147 new smiles + 2 dance parties on a boat + 1 wedding

2011-11-22T19:26:00.001-08:00

That pretty much sums up the last week and a half of my life. The mission went incredibly smooth, I have to say that the team came together really well and it was so apparent. We did 147 operations in 7 surgical days. Those 7 surgical days were sandwiched between CPR classes on either side, so now all of the medical staff at the center are trained and certified in CPR by the American Heart Association!! That is a HUGE deal and I am so proud of all of the staff for taking the class and completing it successfully. You'd be hard pressed to find a medical facility in India that could say the same.

On our one off day (last Thursday) we had the team lunch on a boat as it cruised up and down the Brhamaputra. These rides are always nice but for some reason this time around the team was extra dance-y. The music came and everyone ran to the open space on the floor and we all danced like crazy! There was western music, Bollywood music, traditional Assamese music and we danced to it all. It was soooo much fun, I think the International team that came for the mission wasn't quite prepared for that spectacle! Normally, mid mission week, the teams don't have to encounter such skillful and enthusiastic dance moves but for some reason it just happened.

This brings me to the final party. The end of the mission parties are something we in Guwahati look forward to for weeks. We talk about it constantly, we study, we practice in our rooms (okay maybe that's only me) and as the day comes nearer the levels of excitement are enough to make those of us with weak hearts pass out (okay, again, maybe that's only me.) Every final party I've been to here has been held at the Ginger Hotel on the outskirts of the city. At the end of the night you might hear me muttering "Classic Ginger party, classic" because they are always so much fun. This time around it didn't make sense to hold it there so we had we found ourselves on yet another boat. I think I danced for four hours straight. At one point I took a break to go down and eat my dinner but was dragged back up stairs mid-meal because a good song came on. Then I went down stairs to cool off and was dragged back up stairs while the sweat was still drying because another good song came on. I love dancing here because, unlike high school prom or any club in the U.S, the dudes and ladies here can dance with one another without it being sexual. In fact, the guys probably dance more with the guys and the girls with the girls, because everyone is having fun and not needing to rub up on each other which is really awkward and uncomfortable. Every single one of you knows exactly the situation I am describing. Now that we've made that clear, we can get back to the fact that we danced for hours upon hours and we did it in sarees! I'll spare you of tons of pictures but the night was funnnn!

Lastly, on Monday a few of us attended the wedding of one of our co-workers. It was quite a drive away in bad traffic but it meant a lot to him that we go so it was well worth it. We only attended that part with his family/village so it was different from the last one I attended. There was food, live music, a bit of dancing, and lots of pictures. I am happy for him and as always, am very honored to be allowed to be a part of these special days.

Down to the tracks

2011-11-17T18:49:00.001-08:00

I have been really wanting to share with you what happened last weekend when I went out to feed the children! This week has been insane and awesome. Monday was the best day as my niece was born back in the states AND the mission team heard about my feeding project (which I have been calling Asha Guwahati) and they decided to donate for the meals. There is so much to write about but I will save this week for later and talk about last Saturday.

As you know, two weekends ago I couldn't find the kids whom I had been feeding regularly. So last weekend I got some people started with the cooking and then I went on a scouting trip to the corner. Much to my dismay, the kids were still missing. I decided to walk further in hopes of finding them and quickly found myself making a beeline for the train tracks. I walked and walked, and ended right at the rails. I walked parallel to them through the slums. I peered into the shanty homes and saw many faces smiling back at me. This was where I needed to go. No one approached me as I wandered through, so out of place. There were kids without clothes, dirty and wounded. Children bending over the the tracks, picking up trash that has been tossed out of passing trains and homes that looked as if the would collapse on themselves in the slightest of breezes. I walked and soon ended where I began all those weeks ago on my very first feeding adventure and I just knew. If I couldn't find the children on the corner I had to come here. So I walked back home and was a nervous wreck. The tracks are hard, the people of the slums they need so much help and I knew it would be yet another push forward to continue growing this project.

We packed up the food, I hopped on the back of a coworkers bike, Louise and Kelly got in a tuk-tuk and we headed off to the tracks. The next 10 minutes were a blur. We just set up on a corner, right at the rail just at the entrance of the slum village. The people came in swarms! Thankfully my friend Kelly has way more of a backbone than me and she managed to make it an organized chaos. We were yelling out "Queue!!" "Children" and "babies" in Assamese and for the most part, the crowd got it. We placed the warm boxes of food in tiny dirty hands and even though it was madness, many managed to connect their eyes with mine in a thank you. As usual, it felt like it was over before it began and it was time to walk away. For me, walking away is the hardest part because I know what lies behind me. I know how much more I can do, I know how much more I want to do. The support I have been receiving in this adventure keeps me up at night in excitement. I can not wait to share with the week I have had, the weeks that will come as this project grows. Thank you all for your support thus far <3

Sweet girl

2011-11-13T05:09:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was the start of (what is supposed to be) the last "mission" in Guwahati. We are doing such a steady amount of surgery every week that it is no longer necessary to bring in large teams every few months for a week at a time as we have been for the last few years. There is always someone on each mission that really grounds me, reminds why I am here and what life changing operations are taking place on the daily out of the center. For some reason it is usually an adult but today, it was a little girl.

She is a nine year old who I think everyone so far has felt a connection with. She was all smiles this morning before surgery, coming right up to the team members. She was so social and interactive despite the obvious language barrier. I just kept telling her how beautiful and sweet she was, and she easily had more pictures taken today than she has in her whole life. I recovered her (easy breezy recovery of course, she was totally A Saint) then wheeled her down stairs to the ward where she would spend the night.

Fast forward about two hours, I am taking down yet another post-operative patient. This patient's bed was right next to my favorite little girl on the ward. I turned around to leave and smiled at my sweet girl when she reached out her hand. I took it in my own and she squeezed it tight. She gestured to me to come closer, scooched herself over on her bed (mommy laying next to her) and nodded her head down as if to say "sit down, stay a while." She still held my hand as I sat and we read each other's faces. It is astounding how much can be understood between the eyes of two people who don't speak the same language. Being the sensitive person that I am, I welled over with tears. Her mommy reached out and brushed that first tear off my nose. Then the little girl, using her only free hand as her other was still squeezing mine, grabbed her towel and wiped my face. Mommy patted my back, little girl wiped my face once more and told me in two Assamese phrases I know that it was okay, and gently said not to cry . She gave my hand a final squeeze and with that, I was free to go. I left that night with a heart so filled up that I worried it just might explode.

I arrived this morning a bit early so I decided to go in before the team meeting and see the post-operative patients one last time before they were discharged. I made my way around and stopped at my sweet girls bed last. She again gestured for me to sit down and I obliged. Her mother held out her hand and handed me a biscuit. They wanted me to enjoy the little breakfast they had with them, they offered me their own water and together we ate on the bed. At the end, the patient offered me her towel to clean my face and grabbed my hand to hold it one last time. I might argue that there is no better way to start my day, or week for that matter! What thoughtful hearts she and her mother have been given.

"Where are all the kids?!?!"

2011-11-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

Sunday. Oh Sunday. Passing out food this weekend was a complete 180 from the previous three weekends. I am finally perfecting exactly how much of each food item to purchase/make for 50 servings and the cooking went extra smooth with the help of two co-workers. We had it all ready to go just in time for two others to come and help pass it out, so we headed to the street corner maybe around 1230. The usual time! We got in two tuk tuks and as we reached the corner, there was not a soul in sight! (Okay not a soul that was in need of the food) So I had the driver continue down the road to the second spot and much to my dismay, they were not there either. My heart sank!! Where had they gone? We (eventually) turned around to the train station because there are ALWAYS children there, but after searching for another hour we still were left in disappointment. At one point I walked with one friend back to the usual corner and we attracted attention from the police (who were patrolling the area) we were surrounded by six or seven of them all with their rifles and batons! This may have happened because I yelled "Where's the children?!?!?" up and down the street! They said they didn't know where the kids had gone, but I am sure it had something to do with the police presence.

Finally we decided to go to another part of the city by the river where many adults and some children live. As we piled in, a few street kids surfaced and ran up to us. They were not the ones I usually feed but of course we were ecstatic to feed them nonetheless! We passed out some meals then headed to the river.

Once there we walked up to a family and guess what?! The little boy and girl were two of the 17 kids who had attended the slum girls day a few weeks prior!! The sister came to me first, her face beaming. I immediately remembered her and she gave me the biggest hug then couldn't stop holding my hand. Both she and her brother just looked at me, smiling seeming to say "I can't believe it's you AGAIN!" It was so awesome! Their mom and dad live with them on the streets and so I saw their piece of cement which is their home. After we passed out all the food we got on the bus to go eat lunch ourselves. As I was sitting their my coworker looked at me and asked if I was thinking of the group of kids we normally feed. The answer, of course, was yes. I worried. Where were they? Where do 50 kids without homes go when the police tell them to move? Were they hungry? Will they eat today? I had to hold back the tears. I genuinely hope that they re-surface and that I find them again really soon. (Side note: The people we fed live near a temple that provides food, which is why I hadn't gone there previously.)

Then the thoughts moved on to the brother and sister and their family. They were there on the broken sidewalk, smiling and seemingly whole with nothing but the clothes strung over a banister, the meals we had just provided and each other. I keep looking at the picture of them sitting on the sidewalk, a candid photo, in which you can see them all smiling. So I ask you this today, what makes a home, a home?

Things I Think You Need to Know but Probably Don't

2011-11-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

-My hair is getting so long that it becomes a strangling hazard when I lay down because it wraps around my neck. Does anyone else with long hair experience this? How do you know you won't asphyxiate yourself when rolling over in your sleep?

-I realized last week that the comment "You look really young" or "You look like a child" has become a compliment as opposed to the insult it was when I was 18 and desperate for people to realize that I was a 'real life adult.' This means I am aging.

-I still have weak ankles. I'll just be standing in one place and roll my ankle. I think they're buckling more often because I weigh the most I ever have in my life.

-I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life. Don't waste your time assuming this is a complaint because it's not, it's awesome. I am trying to gain 2-3 more pounds. The local nurses I work with say it is all going to my face and my stomach. They also told me that I probably wish it would go to my chest and my bum but that it won't.

-My older sister is about to pop out her third child (by birth) which will soon make me an Auntie x4. I asked her to please set up a laptop with a camera so I can watch via Skype. I think she said no, but I'm not really sure. In my defense, I've seen the other two born.

-Since the cat is already out of the bag, I am heading to CA for a visit in early December. I have 8 days and about 236 people I want to see. I mean not that I am counting or anything but... 34 days away.

-I want to re-design my blog layout but have zero interweb bedazzling capabilities. If only there were an app for that.

-Did I mention I am going to CA in December? Did I mention that my little sister is coming back with me to India for a few weeks?!?!?!?!? Because she totally is! I dream every day of sharing this place, my life with someone I love and I will finally get to!

-For anyone reading this whom I get to hang out with on my visit I give you ~~two~~ three warnings:
1. I am guaranteed to be super jet legged. Traveling backwards in time is really difficult, okay? Last time I came back from India I fell asleep mid-conversation with my best friend. I also told my (then) boyfriend at noon that I was recovered from jet leg, fell asleep an hour later and woke up 9 hours later.
2. I may be emotional. This is partially related to #1 but mostly because I am just emotional. Expect tearing up and touches of anxiety here and there.
3. I will be food-focused. I want to see you. But I may want to eat while I'm doing it. Places on the old radar: The Wheel of Life, Native Foods, Veggie Grill, Buffalo Wild Wings, Del Taco, Tranquil Tea Lounge, and um, well any thing my mom and dad cook sounds really wonderful right about now!

-I've been living in India for six months. SIX months! It passed so quickly, I am so ready for 6 more!

-I will end this with three random photos:

I get to watch the sun set over the Brhamaputra every night

This little lady is crazy special to me

To a T

Life on my feet

2011-11-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

Lately I have found that life is best lived on my feet.

Every morning I walk from hospital bed to hospital bed, making silly faces and telling all of our patients how beautiful they are. I blow bubbles and dance up and down the aisles, hoping to help them crack a smile, taking some worry out of their morning. Hours later I sway back and forth, calming babies in my arms as they recover from life changing surgery. I bend over to clean my patient's face, feed them juice, pat their backs as they throw up, and give them medicine to help ease their pain. I stand next to dummies on stretchers and guide local nurses through skills labs, teaching them everything I know about bedside care so that one day my feet can feel different ground. In the evening I walk home. I take the time to breathe deep, and enjoy the sights and sounds of this city which I call home, because I know it can not be home forever.

Every free chance I have, I go to the orphanage and visit some very special kids. They squeal and run towards me as I enter, it is so infectious that I can't help but to squeal and run too. I scoop them up two by two and give them each a hug. They chase me around and for as long as I can we play games, pray and eat snacks. After my Sunday evening visits, I head across the grounds to a temple. There we sing, dance, and jump up and down on hard marble floor for at least one hours time. Oh how my feet love to be used to praise Him!

At home you might find me stooped down low to scrub my clothes then stretched up high to clip them on the drying line. Standing over the sink to wash the dishes, or over the stove to make a meal. I bend over to my bucket, scoop after scoop to pour water over my head in the shower. You may even find me on the balcony, dancing around and singing for all to hear.

On the weekends I wander through the market, bargaining for produce. I carry it home on my back and slung over my shoulder. I stand for hours, cooking meals for children who desperately need to know the face of Love. I get hot and sweaty and my feet, how they throb. But if I could do it every day, I would. With the help of whoever is willing, we walk down the street to where the kids have no homes. As they see us coming towards them they rise to their feet. They jump with an excitement and hysteria that simultaneously makes me the most happy and sad that I have ever felt. We pass out the meals and when I can, I bend down low and clean the wounds that living on the streets creates.

Hour after hour, day by day this is my life lived upright. My aching back and tired legs beg me to slow down, but my heart, it moves at full speed and it demands that I live life on my feet.

Halloween, GC4 style

2011-11-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

I love being absorbed in the culture here, learning first hand about local tradition and faith. I have spent the last few Sunday afternoons at an orphanage visiting someone special and then attending the candle ceremony at the near by temple. We sing, dance, jump around, light candles and eat! The nurses share their home made food with me all the time and as you read, I was immersed in the Diwali celebration and it was so fun! This week, however, I got the chance to celebrate a very Western holiday with my co-workers: Halloween!! Okay, I have to admit, after being told the epic tale of Diwali, Halloween is pretty blah. In fact, for me personally (as with most of America I'd say) there isn't really a deep meaning if a true meaning at all to Halloween. Nevertheless, I do have traditions that I like to uphold and it was so fun to share them with my co-workers!

We had face painting, pumpkin carving, creepy music, spiderwebs, a few of us wore costumes and mask making! We had planned for a few other activities but the celebration was at the end of the day so many people were tired and ready to leave for the day. That didn't stop them from getting really into character once their faces were painted! It was AWESOME. Plus, the pumpkin carving came naturally to the surgeons. They wanted 11 blades, skin markers, heck they probably would have even liked some suction ;)

(So serious)

(Straight into character)

On love that stretches over oceans

2011-10-31T02:09:00.000-07:00

The last 3 weeks feel like a dream. I started three Sundays ago by making 20 meals and feeding 20 kids by myself (with a little help from Chetri unexpectedly) and yesterday I fed 50, with the help of my co-workers. But this particular entry isn't about those of us here in Guwahati at all.

This is about the unbelievable love that has stretched from Corona, California all the way to Guwahati, India. One week ago I received an e-mail from a long time friend Natalie. We've known each other for what feels like forever via mutual friends and growing up going to shows. I've never known her very well, but one thing that has always shone through her is her heart. She is a big supporter of organizations such as Invisible Children and clearly cares for kids in under developed countries. She has helped set-up many benefit art shows and I am certain she has done much more than I even know of.

I had to read her initial e-mail 3 times over, it was so unexpected. The love and support that poured out of it hit me hard. She said she wanted to give a donation to be used towards feeding the kids and/or sponsoring the slum girls day. It is so wild to me that someone so far away is moved to help here, to help feed the bellies of kids they have never met. Her intent to give so selflessly from over 7,000 miles away moved me to tears. She said she needed a few days to get it together and get the funds to me. In the interest of honesty I was expecting 10 or 20 dollars (which is enough to feed about 40-90 kids alone would be a significant donation.) so imagine my even bigger surprise when she mailed me on Thursday saying she had raised $184 for the kids here!!!!! There are absolutely no words to describe what I was feeling when I found this out. Here is the reality of that donation:

$184 can:

-Feed 736 mouths

-Sponsor 37 girls

-Or any combination there of ($84 dollars to the weekly meals which will last over 7 weeks and $100 to the girls days which will sponsor 20 girls)

As it turns out, she set up a bake sale at her office and in one day they raised this! I am told they played some fun Hindi music (in honor of Diwali and feeding Indian kids) and she spread the word about my life here. If any of you guys who bought a yummy treat are reading this, I want to thank you! I wish you could each be here to see just how far this will go, to witness personally the undeniable joy that you are helping us to spread. It means more to me than I could ever express. As I handed out each meal, I saw the face of Love in them. A face I could see because of the warmth and support you have shown me from all the way across the ocean.

Thank you so much.

Here is how our day went:

Happy Diwali!

2011-10-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

This week has been one huge celebration! It is the Hindu holiday Diwali and true to Indian style, it is over the top! I would love to give you a really great explanation of what Diwali is and its meaning but I know I would never do it justice! There are many great Epics in the Hindu religion and the week of Diwali celebrates one of the biggest Epics. It has mainly to do with the the God Ram returning home after 14 years of being banished and welcoming the Goddess Lakshmi (the Goddess of wealth) into your home. Susie put it best when she described the atmosphere as the perfect melding of Christmas and 4th of July. People exchange gifts, dress in new clothing and decorate their houses with lights. Then all day night firecrackers are lit! It is CRAZY! I knew I was in for an adrenaline/anxiety packed week when I was walking home on Monday having lit firecrackers thrown near my feet.

No one cares! HUGE crackers and full on fireworks are lit in the streets, yards, balconies (*ahem*) and maybe even in front of the hospital with the plastic surgeons! Traffic just drives through as things are exploding, they are lit in people's hands and as I said, there is no regard to pedestrians walking by. I mean they go off all night and day. There are no rules or regulations, children and adults alike set of what feels and sounds like TNT and machine guns. I have never ever ever ever experienced anything like this!!

People decorate their homes with lights, colored powder and rice and light candles all the way to the door and throughout their homes to make Lakshmi feel welcome and to welcome home Ram. Shopkeepers also start their new financial year during Diwali. They bring their shop books to the temple to be blessed and decorate their shops like crazy!

On Tuesday night I was invited to a friends' house. I ran home from work, threw on some clothes and headed over for dinner, dancing and my first night of crackers. That night was very tame. We did sparklers, spinners, ones that shoot up sparks. Nothing too wild and about what you might be able to get your hands on in the parts of the U.S. where fireworks are legal.

Wednesday was the main day to celebrate. I spent most of the day at home relaxing, cleaning and treating the wound of this little street girl. That night I headed over to my coworkers house. She and her husband live in the biggest home I have seen here. They threw a traditional Diwali party for us. We ate a nice meal and ate lots of sweets. In their home they have a room with an alter in it. The family invited us to watch puja and it was very detailed. There were rice, sweets, fruits, flowers and oil for offerings. They blessed one another and then blessed each of us. It was so lovely, I felt honored to have been a part of their night. It was a night I will never forget.

I thought that puja would be the end of night for us, but I was mistaken! We then went out front and lit fireworks for two hours. I think I almost died of a heart attack the whole time. There was one set of crackers called the 10,000 walla aka a string of 10,000 crackers. They just laid it all down the street and lit her up. It was loud and went on forever. Meanwhile as the crackers were exploding, cars, motorcycles and people on bikes drove through like it was just another Wednesday night. I had a permanent cringe on my face, I can not believe that we all made it home in one piece. It is now Thursday night and there have still been crackers all day/night. I had to yell at some teenagers for throwing one right in front of me as I was walking home!! Total insanity!

Living openly

2011-10-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend was an amazing argument for the reason I am trying so hard to live openly. It is crazy how easily I could spend every moment here in the service of the people who need help, and still have more to do. So I told myself to just live with my life open, open to the need of those around me. To know, accept and act on the moments when the opportunity to arises. This weekend was a living test of that!

On Saturday my roommate had set up a "street girls day" with the a Father who runs a few orphanages in the city. None of us knew really what to expect out of the day and I think all of our minds were blown at how awesome it was! Father Lucose went to the slums at the train tracks to pick up 17 girls (and 1 boy!) and brought them to one of the girls' homes he runs. They showed up in a bus around 10am and the madness ensued! We started by giving them all a good brush and trim. One of the smallest girls had her head shaved down close and she was rather upset that she couldn't have her hair cut so we "trimmed it" for her, it was so cute! Meanwhile we played games in the grass, swung on the swings and my patty-cake abilities were put to the test. Next it was time to treat them for lice! Every kid got a good hair washing with lice shampoo and as I scrubbed each one of their heads' the suds on my hands were dark brown, it had been a long time since a real shower for them. As the shampoo took effect we went out in the yard to play red light green light and freeze tag. Soon the nuns arrived with a new outfit for each child so it was bath time! We bathed every child head to toe and each wanted to be washed by one of us personally. The little boy bathed four times, he was so excited! As each one was patted dry we lotioned, oiled, and picked out lice. Remember how nicely your mommy used to rub lotion into your back and on your arms, imagine never having had that in your entire life. After they all got snazzed up in their new outfits I treated a few wounds and sent them off for lunch time! Everyone got a nice warm meal then ended the day with a movie! As they left I couldn't stop the swelling in my chest! It was such an amazing day. You could easily see the joy in their eyes, to be taken care of and loved on for one day! This will be a monthly occurrence and I couldn't look forward to it more.

Saturday evening I spent preparing to make my big meal for the street kids the following day. I went to the market, bought a pressure cooker, sliced up 30 servings of carrots and cucumbers, treated myself for lice and finally passed out in bed! Sunday morning I woke up bright and shiny and started cooking. I used a pressure cooker to make the dal this time and I am now sure that it was my best purchase of 2011. It made cooking 30 meals a breeze. So easy in fact, that next week I may have to try for 40 or 50 meals. I finished cooking around noon, just in time for my roommate to come home and help me pass them out. We headed down the street in a tuk tuk and got out at the first street children we saw. It was a bit insane at first but it calmed down. The trouble was that a few children were hiding the meals we had given them and then taking multiple. It makes it so difficult, I know that they would eat five meals if I gave it to them. However, the point of this is to feed as many mouths as I can, not the same mouth over and over all at once. I couldn't stand telling them no and to stop but what would have hurt me even more would have been having to turn away a child that got nothing in front of a child who got three whole meals.

It was so hectic that we forget to give bananas to the first group of children. We finished passing out the meals and then headed back to them to give them bananas. As we were handing them out, a girl around the age of 11 tugged on my shirt. I looked down and she pointed at a wound on her ankle. It was pretty big, partially healed but with some open spots. The girl was covered head to toe in filth, the wound was no exception. She asked me for help, and I had nothing to offer her at that moment. So, today I am off to buy some supplied before heading to work. If I can find her I will clean it for her, if not I will try again tomorrow. This is a moment when I wish I could open up my own home to a child like that, to clean her and treat her wound in a clean environment but right now I can't. So that leaves me wondering, as I continue to open myself up, what will be opened to me?

(No clue who the guy in the back is. Honestly.)

A bright spot anyone?

2011-10-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

I present to you a collection of silly pictures I've accumulated over the last few months.

I bought this muffin on 26/7. It came to me from the future.

Indian men finding rest and relaxation on my shoulder.

Sri Lankan posters

Go ahead, ponder the pool rules.

Just one Draid Lock

What a creep

Sanitation rules in Rishikesh

Fairly unassuming at first glance.

Bam.

Sidewalk treasures

Chinese adverts

1. It's soap, in the shape of a cake 2. It has naked babies on it.

Thankful for directories

Another nice breeze.

Ask and you shall receive Chetri

2011-10-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

I spent a few hours making 20 meals this morning, questioning my sanity the whole time. I have been feeling the urge to start cooking meals at least once a week for the many children who can be found living on the street. Fear amongst other things has been holding me back. I was scared that the children would want money instead of food, that I would get swarmed and not be able to provide for everyone, or even that I wouldn't be able to find anyone to feed! What would I make? How would I serve it? Would it taste good and be nutritious? There was just so much I was unsure about that I had convinced myself for months that it wouldn't be worthwhile.

Wait, what???

If the mouth of only one hungry child is fed, shouldn't that be enough? I started to realize that I was worried I wouldn't meet my goals, or meet my satisfaction instead of worrying about meeting the goals of whatever thing (much bigger than myself) brought me here. In all honesty, Katy really encouraged me to just go for it. We had many conversations about it and I left Hong Kong knowing that I just needed to do it. So, I did. And here is how making 20+meals by myself went:

-I burned the dal a little bit

-I made too much rice

-The containers collapsed and leaked dal all over

-I had solicited the help of my roomie to help me carry and deliver the food but she couldn't make it home in time. I was on my own. *In her defense she was at an orphanage playing with children, can't hold that against her*

-I cried a little bit because I wasn't sure how to physically carry it all and I didn't want to go to the train tracks alone. I found myself asking, am I really meant to do this all by myself?? I just wanted a little help!

-I took a deep breath, and realized that surly I won't have made these meals just to waste them because I can't carry them all myself. So, I shoved 20 boxes of rice in my back pack along with 25 bananas and placed all the dal in a box to carry in my arms.

-I hailed a tuk tuk, with dal leaking all over my legs

-I saw five children in a pile of trash, looking for food so I got out of the tuk tuk

-As I was feeding them I heard my name

-I turned around and saw one of the hospital's employees, a man named Chetri behind me

-He doesn't work for OpSmile but he is always helping us (ex: Carrying large children down the stairs when the elevator is broken, fixing equipment, blowing bubbles on the ward, feeding the birds from the window of the hospital's OR, etc)

-He saw me feeding the kids and asked if he could help, of course I said yes. God sent me Chetri! I couldn't get rid of my smile.

-He took the box out of my hands and helped explain to the adults around that first the meals must be given to children

-We kept walking, handing out meals to any street child we saw

-As we got to the tracks I was worried I wouldn't have enough meals, surely I would run out and disappoint some of the kids

-I was down to my last 8 meals when I looked up and counted exactly eight hands held out to me

-A train passed by as I finished handing it out, I was able to slip back down the road without being swarmed

-Chetri went about his day, buying vegetables as he does on any given Sunday.

-I went home and collapsed on the ground, shaking and astounded by the blatant confirmation that this can and should be done on a regular basis. I easily cooked the meals single handedly, the kids were all extremely grateful and I never felt swarmed or overwhelmed. Chetri came right when I needed him and in a city of a few million people, that is incredible. Next weekend, I have a date with some street kids again :)

As an f.y.i Here is what I made for each child:

-1/2 cup Dal tadka for protein

-1 cup Rice with ghee for added fats

-1 serving cucumber

-1 serving carrots

Any ideas of what else is nutritious that I could add for next time?

Hong Kong: Pt. 3

2011-10-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

My last three days in Hong Kong passed by all too quickly. On Thursday I decided to go to Mong Kok to check out the cheap shopping! There is a lady's market there which is a long street lined with vendors selling everything from iPhone covers to lingerie! I ate sushi for lunch, had a really good jasmine iced tea, some more street food and then bubble tea. I was totally out of control with my eating the whole trip it seems. Mong Kok was absolutely the craziest as far as amount of people and busyness. I walked away with a new pair of flats and some things for my niece and nephews!

Mong Kok

Friday was a slow start for me. I was getting sick, as I always do when I travel. I slept super late, Skyped with my family and then pulled myself up by the boot straps and made something of my day. I walked down to a NGO called Crossroads to check out what they do. Essentially, the are a global distributor to people in need around the world. Additionally, they provide shelter and employment to refugees, people escaping from abuse, women saved from sex slavery, and SO much more. I was very inspired walking around their compound seeing what one person's dreams can lead to.

That night Katy and I went to The Peak! It is the perfect view overlooking Hong Kong. For all of you Bachelor/Bachelorette fans out there, The Peak is where JP and Ashley went on their one on one in Hong Kong :x Anyways we took the bus up there and had a really great conversation along the way, so meaningful to me. The peak was had a breathtaking view and was very windy! While there you can write a note and hang it on this huge heart, which I found irresistible! To get down we took the tram, it was an unexpected experience. The descent is so steep the buildings look like they are tipped sideways. Plus on the way down you sit backwards so it was disorienting! Next we headed to Central which is polar opposites day vs night. We had been there on Wednesday for Dim Sum, it was quiet and full of business buildings. On weekend nights it is bar central! The street was packed and people were definitely having a good time! It was fun to see a little bit of the night life Hong Kong had to offer (as there is none in Guwahati).

The Peak

"Say I love you at The Peak"

Peak tram

Central at night

Saturday was my last day, it came so quickly. I woke up early and headed out to Tai Tam country park to hike the Dragon's Back trail. Hong Kong trail is something like 50km in total, I did about 10km because I heard that the Dragon's Back portion was the best part so I couldn't leave without hiking it. It is this undulating hike over a ridge, it looks over parts of cities and beaches almost the whole time and is my second favorite hike I have ever done, coming after my hike in Cherapunjee (see here, read here.) I chose to hike to Shek O, then take a minibus down to the beach. I hung out on the beach a bit then got on with the rest of my day. I decided to go to Causeway Bay one last time to get Bubble tea (do you see a theme here?) and pick up a few things. After getting back to Katy's we hung out a bit and had my last lunch! After checking out some of a rugby match and packing up it was time to travel all night back to India. Every day of my trip was so enjoyable, I feel like I will need to go back to experience it all again some time!

Ridge after Ridge, eventually down to the beach

Shek O Beach

Hong Kong: pt.2

2011-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

Tuesday and Wednesday were so rad! On Tuesday I followed Katy's mother's advice and went to Stanley, not sure what to expect. I took a few buses and ended in Stanley Market. The market is essentially like an outdoor swap meet. Lots of trinkets, clothing and tourists. There was a nice beach so I laid out on some rocks for over a hour soaking up Vitamin D. Then I walked around a bit more before accidently beginning the rest of my day. I say accidently because, originally, I just wanted to check out Kowloon Park then go home. I ended up hanging out in Kowloon Park reading, walking all around Kowloon, getting lost inside the Chinese ferry arrival station and then realizing how late it was. Since it was so late, I just walked around more until 8pm when the light show happens in Victoria Harbour. I ate a crazy good steak dinner (my body has been severely lacking protein) and watched the show from my table. It was a nice little show but I think I expected a little more, I don't know, pizazz? All in all, I got back home super late but ready for the next day!

Stanley Beach

Kowloon Park

Oh heeeey Flamingos in the city.

HKC

If I had to pick my favorite day it would have to be Wednesday. It was a national holiday so Katy had the day off! We met up with her co-worker who is ultra Chinese and he showed me some real culture (all involving food, of course!) We started by heading out for traditional dim sum and tea. Dim sum is essentially bite sized steamed dishes. They come around in baskets and you just choose the baskets you want then share with the table. The first place we went was a total mad house and we couldn't be seated. We ended up heading to a more formal place and drank too much tea and ate crazy good food. By the way dim sum is traditionally a breakfast or brunch! So unlike Western culture!

After dimsum with almost no time to digest we headed to the wet market. This is a market that sells sea food... that is still alive. I wasn't expecting to be sloshing around in sea water or to be watching my food crawl out of their buckets. Luckily, our friend navigated us around and picked out some sweet deals (prawns, blue crab, squid, fish). After you pick out what you want you bring it upstairs where you have it prepared. You can steam it, fry it and spice hundreds of ways. Then you just sit down and wait for it to come to you! It required getting my hands dirty but I felt rather at home as I have been eating with my hands more frequently over the last five months :)

It was such a good day!

Packed out dim sum restaurant

Such a cute little menu

Such a cute little place setting

Such cute little steamed puffs of goodness

Such cute little prawns

Such a cute... well, I guess, crab I am about to eat?

Wet market eating

Poor little guys

Total destruction.

Hong Kong: Pt. 1

2011-10-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start with summarizing this awesome trip! The first day was a blur, I had just come off of working night shift. I took a three hour nap then headed to the airport. I travelled overnight and arrived in Hong Kong in the morning. It was a perfect way to maximize my time there. I took a cab from the island the airport is on over to the New Territories where my friend and her family lives. Katy and I caught up for a bit then headed to Causeway Bay, a big shopping center. I was in love right away with all of the people, street food and the culture in general. We had sushi, I ate way too much street food and had bubble tea! That night I ate dinner with her family and went to bed nice and early. I still can not believe how accommodating her family was, they were so amazing to me.

My favorite part of the Delhi airport

Street food! SO good.

I look so tired but I was so happy with arms full of yumminess

Sunday we got up and headed to church. I had a small anxiety attack as we entered the metro station. I was overwhelmed by the designer stores, the huge shopping mall, and the shiny clean floors. I can't really describe the feelings I was experiencing at that moment but it was really hard to come from Guwahati to that. It was just overwhelming. Church was exactly what I needed in that moment! Katy and her father lead worship and it felt good to be in a church environment. Afterwards we went to the cricket club, ate lunch and watched some rugby. The rest of the day I walked around with Katy and her brother, left my ipod to be fixed and then ate dinner with her brother and dad that night! Did I mention that I in between I was obsessively reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, which I had been searching for since August and finally found in the airport.

MTR to Hong Kong

The view from the cricket field

Monday Katy and her family resumed their usual work week so ventured out on my own. One thing I can say is that the public transportation is excellent in Hong Kong. I was able to get around very easily, everything is so well marked. Anywho, I headed to Lantau for the day. I started by eating at Starbucks! My first in five months!! As an ex-Starbucks Barista this was a big deal. I had my usual soy green tea latte (which is very popular there by the by) and a chocolate croissant! Then it was off to the Po Lin monastery so I could stare at the Tian Tan Buddha. I had to take a bus because it was too windy to take the sky cable ride. On the ride I was adopted by a woman from the Philippines. She insisted on taking my picture for me in front of everything and tried to convince me to go with her and her family to Disneyland that afternoon. I politely declined and as you can see in the pictures, I am SO awkward when taking pictures because I am not used to it anymore. Traveling alone means lots of pictures of the sights but few of yourself usually!

The monastery and the Buddha were beautiful despite the typhoon winds. I hiked a few km of the Lantau trail, ate a yummy vegetarian lunch in the monastery and stared at Buddha for a long time. The most difficult part of the day was finding my way out of the MTR station on the way back home! I seriously got so turned around trying to get out to the street/bus. I ended up in a lot of areas I wasn't supposed to be but eventually found my way out.

Tian Tan Buddha

Honestly, how awkward.

On the Wisdom Path

Wisdom Path from Lantau Trail

The biggest incense I have ever seen

Po Lin monastery

2011-10-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I came home from my visit to Hong Kong. The trip was amazing, of course, but I am glad to be back in Guwahati. There is nothing quite like stepping off the plane and back into India after being away. The unique warmth, the smell, the people, everything just hit me and I sighed with relief at being home.

I left Hong Kong filling energized and ready to get back into things here. Honestly, who wouldn't want to come hang out with munchkins like these:

I will do a proper post about my trip soon! I am trying to find the energy it deserves!

Fall Fashion Week 2011- 9/29!

2011-09-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

This will be my last post for Fall Fashion Week! Tomorrow I will be traveling all day because I have a week off! This is made possible because:

1) I worked night shift this week

2) There is a big Hindu holiday next week called Durga Puja and the center will be closed for most of the week

3) Susie is awesome and made my schedule so that I could extend my week off!

This may seem crazy but my destination is Hong Kong! I have a friend who lives there and is so graciously putting me up for the week! I looked into a lot of different get aways here in India and Nepal and they were all either too expensive or required too much planning for me right now. I am currently planning/reserving all the plane and train tickets for when my little sister comes out here in December and my mind couldn't handle planning a last minute excursion here. My eyes were crossed after figuring out the train and flight situation as we need to share some flights but not others, etc. I love seeing this country but travel here is exhausting and is far from easy. The ticket to HK was the cheapest and easiest. I plan on getting there and figuring the rest out as I go (my favorite)! I am so thankful for my friend who is letting me stay with her, I can hardly contain my excitement.

On to the outfit! It's true. I brought out the party pants. I wore this to the final party after the mission week; I considered wearing a sari but they are so hard to dance in! This has to be one of my favorite blouses I have ever found while thrifting. I believe my mom said it reminded her of a pregnancy top she wore in the 80's. All the better!!

(can we ignore that my bangs make me look like I have a comb over? I blame the 100 degree heat and crazy humidity)

The Head to Toe

Top: Thrifted

Belt: Thrifted

Party Pants: AA

Shoes: H&M

I have really enjoyed this week looking at what all of you lovely ladies are wearing this Fall! You have all been wonderful, positive and beautiful! I can wait to be able to thrift again, I am feeling inspired! Keep in touch, okay? I'll see you when I get back!

What would it feel like?

2011-09-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

You came to us on the first day of our September mission. There were a hundred people in the room but I couldn't look at anyone else. I felt like I was holding my breath as I saw you move from station to station being screened. Did you ever worry that we might tell you that we can't help? That it is too late? Did you ever worry that you made this trip only to be turned away? I worried. I saw how thin you were, how much working out in the tea fields your whole life had aged you. I prayed. I held my breath. My heart fluttered as you met me at the final station to have your chart reviewed. I read what the pediatrician, surgeons and anesthesiologists all had to say. My eyes welled with tears as I saw those three words with a check mark next to them "Cleared for surgery." I knew that tomorrow your life would change, did you?

What would it feel like to have lived over fifty years with a cleft lip? Your eyes told me that life has been hard on you, without any words I knew. Were you allowed to go to school? To go out of the house? When you were growing up did you wish you had a whole smile, a normal lip? Your eyes. I can't stop thinking of your eyes and how much hurt there was written deep inside them.

Would you have ever dreamed that after fifty years, a group might come along and offer you repair? How did you feel when you heard of us, when our student team first examined you hours and hours away in your village? Was it a struggle to decide to come all the way here, to trust us? To trust me? Did you feel hopeful? I know you would not have gotten on that bus and rode here if you didn't want the chance to be changed. I hurt deep inside my chest for you, I want to erase all the pain. Could you feel the love pour out of me in that first moment we met? Did you feel some of that pain coming undone?

I saw you the next morning, sitting up in your hospital bed with your bandana tied around the lower half of your face. A way of hiding your lip that breaks my heart in to a thousand pieces. You were wearing your green patient gown, today was your day. I saw something different in your eyes, a new kind of worry. Were you unsure if this was all real? Did you ever question that you were making the right decision? How did you feel that night as you slept on the hospital bed? Was there any hope in your heart? How did you mentally prepare yourself for the change you were about to endure?

Hours later you were sitting up stairs, waiting to be taken back to the operating room. Your eyes darted from person to person, taking it all in. What were you thinking in that moment? Did you see me there, could you feel how excited I was for you? Before I knew it, you came and went from the recovery room and were brought back down to the ward to rest until the next day. As you laid in the hospital bed again, did you feel different? Was it every thing you expected? Did you make the right choice for you? Did it feel worth all of your trouble? Were you happy?

The day you left from the hospital I saw you again with your bandanna tied around the lower half of your face. I ran over to you and asked you to lower your bandanna, I told you that you looked handsome. I wish I had told you that before your surgery. You were so beautiful, you see. Had anyone said these words before me? Did you ever feel self-worth? Will you ever be able to walk freely without covering yourself? Or is over fifty years of damage too much? I worried that you may never feel the change inside that we all saw outside. I thought about you all day until the madness of the mission set in and my thoughts became occupied with others.

One week later I came out of the recovery room to see you sitting on the bench where you had anxiously awaited your surgery just seven days prior. I swelled with joy as I noticed that something was missing. I scanned your hands and your pockets and I didn't see it. The bandanna wasn't with you. What would it feel like? To finally be free? To have lived a whole life hiding then to be liberated? To have hope where once there was none?

Fall Fashion Week 2011- 9/28

2011-09-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

One thing my friend told me to bring with me before I moved here was plenty of long skirts. They are easy to squat in if you only have squatty potties, they breath, move and are modest! I love this thrift store find and wear it all the time. The one problem is that it isn't good in the rain and you have to remember to life it off the ground when you walk into the toilet! The street I'm on here is what I walk down to head to the coffee shop, the bread bakery, some restaurants and on the right of the picture you can see the green walls of the shop where I found a girl working with a cleft palate (you can read about that here.)

The Head to Toe

Shirt: AA from Buffalo Exchange

Skirt: Goodwill

Bracelet: Gift

Bag: Streets of McLeod Ganj

Awkward face: Inherent

Only one more day! (for me!)

Fall Fashion Week 2011- 9/27!

2011-09-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned to you how much I absolutely love the balcony we have off our flat? It has such a beautiful view! It is also perfect for evening chats with the roomies, drying laundry, reading, and most importantly for dancing and singing. I may engage in late night George Michael karaoke, just belting it out over the balcony for all to enjoy. Guilty pleasures.

The Head to Toe:

Earring: Circus Kinetica (bought in a cafe in Manali, India)

Sweater: Vintage from Red Velvet Shop

Skinny Jeans: Paige Denim from Buffalo

Shoes: Okay so does anyone see a trend? Shoes have become just a thing to protect my feet from broken glass in between walking destinations :/

What are you wearing today?

My own brew of tea, it's all the rage right now

2011-09-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

Every single morning I have to have my cup of tea to get the day started on the right foot. It isn't so much about the caffeine as it is the morning tradition. Sometimes it's green tea, sometimes it's milk tea. It could be loose leaf or it could be a tea bag. In the winter I like mint teas, living here I discovered lemon ginger tea. I love tea, it is essential!

Wednesday morning I woke up late. I thought I might have time to drink my tea with breakfast so I made it in my normal cup. As I rushed to get ready for work I realized that I would need to pour it in my travel mug. I grabbed the mug (whose lid I lost months ago) out of my backpack, quickly rinsed it in the sink then dumped in my tea. I ran out of the door, got in the car and finally had my first sip. Immediately I noticed that the tea tasted a bit off. I blamed it on the fact that we only had powder milk and it probably just tasted different. I kept sipping. It tasted a bit like soap so then I wondered if I didn't rinse my cup well enough after washing it the center the previous day. I kept sipping.

We arrived at the hospital and I went into the ward to look over the patients for the day. After I was done I went walking upstairs to the center. That's when I saw it. In my travel mug, after drinking half of my tea I saw a huge black something floating in it. It was just poking out of the surface and I started panicking. I rushed up the stairs, into the conference and said to Rosie "I am going to pass out right now, what is in my tea?!?!?!" (It turns out that someone who actually passes out, probably shouldn't use that phrase for dramatic effect.) Rosie, being the brave woman she is, grabbed the cup and investigated as I just sat there frozen repeating "what is in my tea??" She eventually picked up a fork and fished out nothing other than a.... sock. Thats right, a sock. WHAT THE HELL?!? A sock?! I brewed and drank sock tea.

It obviously made its way into my travel mug from backpack but I have no idea why it didn't come out when I rinsed out my mug that morning. I also have no idea why I continued drinking tea that didn't taste right. I consumed dirty, Guwahati, dusty, sock tea. Classic Kristin moment right there folks.

So what did I end up doing? I tossed the sock, dumped the rest of the tea and really rinsed out my mug. Then I collected myself and walked down to the omelette walla. There I got a nice cup of milk tea and a fresh roti omelette. Yum!

Fall Fashion Week 2011- 9/26!

2011-09-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

Can you really tell now, based on this favorite outfit that I don't live in the states anymore?! I don't feel comfortable wearing tank tops around town or around the surgical center so I throw a nice shawl around my shoulders, that way my arms can breath but I feel covered! Baba pants are basically what Aladdin wears in the movie Aladdin (duh!). You might hear me describe them as the pants you buy in India but Indians don't wear. They are ridiculously comfy, breathe on the hot and humid days and have a lot of room for storage, if you're into stuffing things down your trousers.

The head to toe:

Shawl: Streets of Guwahati

Tank: AA

Baba pants: Streets of Varanasi

Shoes: Who needs them?

Thanks to Emery Jo for hosting this again! I am having so much fun seeing everyone's posts! Also, it's never too late to join in on the fun!

Fall Fashion Week 2011- 9/25!

2011-09-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

For the "team bonding" day I joined the mission volunteers on the always lovely boat cruise/lunch along the Brahmaputra river. The lunch was good and the bit of dancing we did was fun! It always makes me look forward to the final party where every two months I get to dance to my little heart's content. It was especially hot that day, I am thinking a belt was a bad choice!

The Head to Toe:
Earring: Circus Kinetica purchased in Manali

Top: Fab India

Belt: H&M

Black Skinnies: Citizens

Click here and link up!

Fall Fashion Week 2011- 9/24!

2011-09-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend is much appreciated (and I am excited to start this fun little blogging week)! I can't even count the number of hours we worked here at the center, there were a lot of long days packed with many surgeries. Our total was 135 in 6 1/2 days! I love mission weeks and the energy level they bring but some serious rest is needed.

I have to be honest, many of the pictures for this coming week were taken on other days, for instance right now I am actually in pjs in bed! There really is no such thing as "Fall" here in India, it seems that we go from summer to monsoon to post-monsoon then straight into winter. Right now it is still monsoon season where I live. Yesterday the street I live on was flooded to my knees after a downpour! There will be no boots or wedges or fuzzy Fall beanies here! Today it felt like it was 100 degrees outside then out of nowhere it monsooned, so crazy!!

The Head to Toe:

Blouse: Vintage from Red Velvet Shop

High Waist Leggings: AA

Shoes: Who needs them?

Don't forget!

On the way home

2011-09-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today we had the team bonding day aka the day off in the middle of the mission week. After a nice lunch on the river, I decided to hoof it home. I love walking down by the river, even though it was really hot! There is so much to see with each eye full, I feel like I will never be able to take it all in.

Dhanyavad

2011-09-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had our first surgical day of our September mission. During the screening process we seemed to have a majority of adult patients. I knew I was in trouble! Yes, the kids we care for make me want to take them home but the adults tug on my heart on a whole different level. As the long first day was drawing closed, I found myself recovering one of the adult lip repairs. He was under general anesthesia so until he woke up in the recovery room he hadn't seen his new lip. He slowly became alert and I brought him over the mirror to have a look. I held the mirror in my hands as he gazed at himself, moving his head around to check out different angles. He wagged his head side to side signifying that he was done looking. I went to put it down when he reached out towards the mirror. Thinking he wanted another look, I tried to place the mirror in his hand. He shook his head no and grasped my hand. Slowly he raised our hands and touched them to his forehead. He closed his eyes, mouthed a prayer then gently laid my hand down on the bed. Our eyes met, he wagged his head side to side again and with that act of gratefulness I found myself in tears.

I had to walk away and quietly re-compose myself! After a few minutes I walked back to his bedside and he immediately started speaking to me in Assamese. I called over one of the local nurses for me and she translated that he was concerned that his family member who came with him had not eaten dinner. It was very late and he wanted to make sure he had been taken care of. A man who had not eaten for over 18 hours and was recovering from surgery found himself more concerned over his attendant than his own well-being. What a kind and gentle soul he was!

April 2012

2011-09-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

When I moved to India last May I was contracted for six months with the option to extend for an additional six months to the one year my visa will allow. The extension decision was to take place in August and was dependent on a whole bunch of factors.

Soon after I moved here I knew I wanted to stay for the full year, my little heart kind of was set on it. August came closer and after a long skype call with all of the international nurses it became fairly clear that I would not be needed for the full year. I felt fine with that decision as I have always said, I only want to stay here for as long as I am needed. I got in the mind set of coming home in the fall, left for my little Indian vacation and started mentally planning my life come November.

While I was away I started receiving e-mails saying not to make any concrete plans, to wait until I got back from vacation to talk things over. Enter stress. I had wanted to stay but was told that wasn't necessary so then I kind of wanted to go home. Now I may be back to staying again! I didn't know what to think and wasn't sure of which decision to make.

I came back to Guwahati and talked things over with a few different people and they asked me to stay for an additional six months. I am not going to lie, it wasn't an easy decision to make. I knew that I would lose my position in my PICU back in California plus disappoint my family/friends that thought I would come home in the fall. I lost sleep and racked my brain like crazy. My heart was telling me to stay here but my (annoyingly) sensible brain was telling me not to. Finally after talking to my dad for a while he said he felt that I should follow my heart. That was all the reassurance I needed. I went into work the next day and signed the contract to stay here until April 2012.

Ack! It's real, I am going to live here until the Spring. I must be feeling really good because my appetite is in full swing and I'm gaining weight like I needed to. I've also been dancing spontaneously so my spirits are in a good place.

I miss you California, don't think I don't. I just have some business to take care of here. I hope you can understand.

What makes a home, a home?

2011-09-10T04:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I refer to the importance of keeping things in perspective, I specifically refer to the fact that I (with guilt) feel like I live in the lap of luxury when there are whole families who live under the ramp of the hospital I work out of. I just wanted to give you a little more understanding of what I mean, even though these few pictures doesn't really do the situation justice. Here is the ramp that I push my patients down every day when they go from the recovery room on the third floor to the ward on the ground floor:

On the ground floor a few families have made their homes:

They've put thatching and some metal as siding and that is where they live, it is their home. I believe that most of the people that live there are somehow connected to the hospital as employees. For many months it blew my mind that families have put down their roots here. It broke my heart and made me want to scoop up the children who reside there and take them home. For a long time I felt this sadness every time I walked past until one day I was pushing a patient down in a wheel chair when I heard the unmistakable sound of a television. I looked around trying to figure out where it was coming from when I realized it was coming from the ramp homes! How they managed to get television in there, I have no idea but it made me giggle. People here manage to make the best of even the most desperate situations and that is one of the reasons I will forever be connected to this country. I would have sworn that there was no way they had any 'modern' luxuries down there but, alas, they do! I still giggle every time I walk by and hear familiar commercials. Really though, here are my two favorite things about the families who live there:

These kids brighten up my day just about every day. I found myself at work both last Saturday and Sunday but I didn't mind one bit because I got to spend a lot of time playing with Samil and Rupa. There were piggy back rides, walking all the way crouched down so they could put their arms around my shoulders, hide and seek, and lots of other silliness that took place last weekend thanks to them. What I can't stop thinking about is how much the little boy reminds me of my nephew Houston. Both in stature and personality. I think Samil is his Indian doppleganger.

By the way cutest baby of the week goes to:

Fall Fashion Week- 2011!

2011-09-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed this last year and am hoping to be able to fully participate again. Any of you who were around a year ago will notice a huge style departure. I fully blame India on this one! Most of the clothes I wear are still thrifted but there will be no dresses, skirts, tights, or hair done nicely! I can't wait to share with you all of the interesting ways I manage to stay modest around these parts, and what I wear now for a night out. Anyways, Emery Jo is hosting it again, so click down below to find out more details!

The things people carry

2011-09-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have a fellow nurse friend who was here at the center for two months who started a collection of photographs of "things people carry on their heads." I really loved the idea because it is incredible what I have seen being carried around. I also have a more grotesque collection of "things you find on the street" but I am not sure the majority of people would want to see those things so I will keep them to myself! Here is my first photo from this weekend, seriously?!

I just have a little point and shoot camera so it gets a little difficult, I tried to get a good one of this guy:

I think I enjoy the lady to the left of the frame more. Take a walk through this bazaar and your eyes will be filled with more than you can take in all at once.

In other news, last week the much anticipated PALS course took place for some of the healthcare workers! I am so proud of everyone, all 13 who completed the course passed! Sweet success!

(From L to R: Indian, Colombian, Aussie, Indian, Colombian, Indian, Kiwi, and an American just at the edge of the frame. We are an eclectic group!)

The course involves a huge amount of material and since it is an AHA course, it takes quite a bit of skill and knowledge to pass. These are the first AHA certified PALS providers in the North East states of India to anyone's knowledge. I could not be more proud!!!

McLeod Ganj: In pictures & Other things

2011-09-04T01:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided to import the entries from my other blog in an effort to merge them together so I apologize if that somehow took over your blog feed. I originally thought I'd keep a separate place for writing things about the work I am doing and keep this blog for every day life but it has all become one for me, I can't keep them apart anymore!

Here are the only pictures I was able to take in McLeod Ganj. It seemed like a beautiful place, I really enjoyed it and would like to go back. I spent my days drinking tea (don't EVER order Tibetan Butter tea) and volunteering at conversational English classes with the exiled Tibetan monks. McCleod Ganj is where the exiled Tibetan government lives, and therefore is home to the Dalai Lama when he is in town. There is an air of peacefulness and love that is undeniable in this town, I quite enjoyed it!

The sunshine lasted for about one hour and then it monsooned the rest of the time I spent there!

Om Mani Padme Hum

2011-09-03T09:50:00.001-07:00

I am certain that I do not deserve this life I have been given. I am filled with a love that is beyond my comprehension. I still get lost sometimes in the stresses of life, in the bumps in the road. Then, inevitably, I am shown again that nothing is in my control. I contemplate what is in store for me, I want to plan and I want to know what is next. Things change day to day here and as much as I sometimes miss life in California, more often than not I feel the push to let go. To truly give of myself fully because how can one actually be present, when your mind is thousands of miles away? There are only two things I know and that is of the pure and perfect love I have been shown and the necessity of finding truth in the life I lead. I need to bend lower, to get my hands dirtier. I strive to find the face of love and truth by being the servant, not the served. No matter what happens in eight weeks or eight months, it can not stop here. I wrote an orphanage in Hyderabad, India recently called Joy Home for Children. They are an orphanage who take in children and outreach to kids that have HIV/AIDS or who have lost their parents to HIV/AIDS. I am hoping to go and visit in October and see what they are doing. HIV is a very real problem in the South of India and I have to wonder, how can I give of my time and self there?

Yet somehow, the weekend has come and as always, I feel certain that I need my time. Truthfully, it is not even my time to begin with. I am not here on my own terms, but on the terms of something greater than myself. As if to prove just this, I was sitting here writing this entry hours ago (1:30p.m. to be exact, it is now 6p.m.) I had just started writing about the realization that this life and my time is no longer mine when my phone rang. It was the cleft center, a patient came in with bleeding and they needed me to come in. I felt a twinge of frustration, but what about MY time for ME? Then I looked at the blinking cursor preceded immediately by the sentence:

Truthfully, it is not even my time to begin with.

I couldn't help the smile that crept across my face, as I heard like a soft whisper in my ear "Your life is no longer yours!"

Book Review, a vlog (v4.0)!

2011-08-28T10:25:00.001-07:00

I've been a book reading machine!! Here's a little vlog with perhaps useless reviews on the seven books I've read recently!

Real life late night thoughts

2011-08-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

I spent this evening discussing relationships with my roomie over a nice dinner of veg chopsuey. That might seem like extraneous information and it probably is but I think you should know that chopsuey is amazing but fresh lime soda that actually tastes like oral rehydration salts is not. You never really know what you're going to get here when it comes to the old taste buds.

Wait, what was the point of this? Oh, right, real life late night thoughts. The flatie and I were talking about being single and how many outfits I have to submit to Carynn for her sporadic feature "Things Single Girls Wear" and where we stand on the possibility of forging futures with men. Then later I Skyped with my dad for well over a hour and part of the convo involved discussing my future. I don't see this being the only time I work in another country, in fact I don't want this to be the last time I work in another country. I envision my life bouncing back between working for periods in California then abroad then back to California.

Here is my slow surfacing epiphany and I'm just going to put it out there because maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I don't know that I see myself ever being married. I don't know that that is truly something I desire. I have known that for, well, a really long time. That is probably one of the most honest and open things I have ever put up here for 'the world' to read. It took a long time for me to accept this and realize it. I knew it while I was with Ryan and I knew it in other relationships. At some point in every relationship I have ever been a part of, I thought I wanted to marry the person I was with. I honestly did. It was easy for me to get caught up in the fantasy of marriage but inevitably I would start having anxiety and insomnia all relating to that creeping thought "I can't be married." Why was it so hard then when Ryan left me? The answer is simple, he was my best friend. I shared every aspect of my life with him except the one in which I had known it would be going against my nature to be married. That was not right of me. I felt so confused then, I thought he wanted to be get hitched some day, he talked about it frequently. I thought that's what I wanted I thought that's what we should do. It is the natural thing, right? Sitting here now, I see so clearly that it wasn't natural for me.

I know this involves a lot of rambling. I apologize. I think if I were to ever date seriously again, I would need someone independent, self-sufficient and someone completely okay with me taking my life to places like India for a while. I am not saying I'm becoming asexual, I am not saying that I can not value a relationship. I'm just saying that I am not a girl who is attracted to the thought of being married. Is it fair to expect a partner to wait around while I work somewhere far away? Is it possible to find someone compatible with the path in life I have chosen? Will they be okay with my marriage aversion? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind a best friend to share the joys and sorrows of life with. I believe that marriages can work and be beautiful. I believe in love and I know I can love someone forever. I just don't know that a married life is compatible with my personality. I'm not 100% sure the point of blogging all of this but after the two conversations I had this evening, I can't stop wondering why for the last five or so years have I tried to obtain something I didn't truly want? Can someone explain the psychology of that to me???

I think part of it is that I do want to have a child some day and traditionally that involves two parents. I completely and honestly see myself adopting one child, as an only parent in the far future. I have seen that in myself for a long time. Mom and dad, you can't say that you are surprised. I don't personally feel that this is wrong. I know I can raise a child in a healthy home environment as one parent. Again, if life threw me a curve ball and plopped someone down in my life that I am meant to be with forever, I won't turn away. It's just my life was re-centered months ago and I am on this kick about being honest with myself, yada yada yada. Here's a little snippet from mwY that is 100% applicable in my life:

I was once the wine and you were the wineglass,

I was once alive when you held me,

but God became the glass, and all things left are emptiness

Truth

Manali: In Pictures

2011-08-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Oh, the public bus

She hung out like that for a good hour

The Beas River flooded, caused rock slides and blocked the road to Manali. 16 hours on a bus turned into 25

Was rewarded with the beauty of Manali

It was actually chilly!

I spent my last day there amongst the birds of Solang Valley

#TSGW and falling in mud

GC4 Update

2011-08-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

In case you were still wondering what in the heck it is that I am doing all the way out here in Guwahati, this video is your answer. It was put together at our center by one of the residents. It completely details just what the Guwahati Comprehensive Cleft Care Center (GC4) is all about!

Alphabet soup

2011-08-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a little vacation, or "holiday" as it would be referred to here. It was amazing and to see the pictures just visit my other blog! Stepping away from Guwahati, the center and my life here which completely revolves around this project was renewing. I loved seeing another part of India, I was rejuvenated and ready to come back to the center by the end of it. I missed my little home here and all of the patients. On Monday I started training in the operating room (aka the operating theatre or OT) and it is really exciting! It is a very different world from PACU, pre op and post op. Scrubbing in and assisting the surgeons has given me a different perspective on the surgeries we do, I feel as though learning the OT roles has put all the puzzle pieces together for me. Learning the instruments, what each surgeon calls them, what they prefer, what they expect from you is a challenge! It seems that a good scrub nurse becomes one with the surgeon to the point where the surgeon should rarely have to ask for anything, the nurse should know and have that instinct of what comes next. I am definitely not there at all, but I have only scrubbed for 4 cases. Hopefully by the end of 2 weeks I will be competent enough that I could be used as needed in there!!

Next week the medical staff and a handful of the local nurses take their first ever AHA PALS course. I have been doing skills labs with them and helping to prep them for what they will learn. Every nurse that is taking the class has the potential to pass and prove their knowledge. I just hope that all the work and labs we have done will help them in their confidence with the knowledge. After they take their provider course, myself and some other employees will become instructor certified then we will be able to continue to train and do provider classes! It is so exciting!

Varanasi

Rishikesh v1.0

Rishikesh v2.0

LONG bus rides

Manali

First day in the OT!

So maybe in a few days I will let you all know exactly how long I will be staying in India. I am still figuring that all out, it is not an easy or clear cut decision.

Rishikesh: In Pictures

2011-08-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

Sleeping in Varanasi Junction

Le golden chariot

Haridwar

Shiva

Laxman Jhula, Rishikesh

My favorite kind of breakfast

The classic sweaty hiking picture

Ram Jhula

Shiva

Hanuman

Varanasi: In Pictures

2011-08-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Petrol pumped straight inside the bus?

Kolkata train station

My first ever ride on the Indian Rail

Varanasi

The Mother Ganga

Puja at Dashashwamedh Ghat

I just want to know how they got up there

Ganges storage device

I was blessed at The Mother Ganga

Assi Ghat

Everybody loves a water buffalo

Main cremation ghat.

A wonderful end to every night

Hangout sesh in Varanasi Junction

2011-08-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting here at the Varanasi train station just waiting hours for my chariot aka The Kumbha Express to arrive. I really like this station because there's a ladies waiting room so it feels much safer to be sitting here from 11pm until 2am. It really is just me and about 20 Indian ladies lounging about. The rats are scurrying around the perimeters of the room and because I've become numb to so many previous fears, the sight of a rat on the ground doesn't even cause me to pick up my feet.

Speaking of feet. I was told it is very rude here to touch someone with your feet. This fact came to forefronts of my mind because as I type, the woman laying to my right is, what can only be described as, exploring my thigh with her feet. I fear that this is my fault. I did sit down in the open spot between two women laying down. I can't figure out what her intentions are. Is she wondering how my leg feels but doesn't want to ask permission to touch me? Is she trying to annoy or offend me so I get up and move? Will she sit up in a few minutes and request a payment for her delicate though unsolicited massage of the outer aspect of my right thigh? How much should that even cost? I'm not sure I'd even know what to bargain down to.
Just to test the waters, I crossed my right leg over my left effectively lifting my thigh out of her toes' reach. She continued to wiggle her feet for almost three minutes before finding her way down to my cleverly relocated leg. You just can't slip anything past these ladies. Evidence of her wandering appendages:

Yes that's right, I went there. Do you see those toes just "casually" searching? I can't wrap my mind around it. All I know is that I have two more hours of sitting here so curious Nellie better settle down real soon before she chaffs my delicate skin.

Also, there's a gentleman in the ladies room. That's totes against the rules. Apparently he's above the law because hes wearing a uniform and has a walkie talkie the size of a boom box attached to his belt.

Update: Twenty minutes later and she's still at it. She did just wiggle her legs right off the ledge by accident so at least a little justice has been served.

Update: it's 350 and I've only just gotten on my train. My spirit feels violated kind of like my right thigh.

Varanasi

2011-08-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Varanasi was amazing.. When I'm done with my holiday I'll put up a proper picture post but this is the view of the ghats from my room. Every day here taught me something new. I watched children, ox, grandparents and everyone in between wash in the ghats out of my room. I saw puja, was blessed at "The Mother Ganges," watched a cremation ceremony and ended every night gazing at the prayer candles as they floated down the river. This city is overwhelming at first, the alleys are disorienting and everyone wants to talk to you or sell you something. Once I adjusted, I fell in love with getting lost in the alleys, finding ghats off the map and politely turning down the touts.

At times I really wish I had someone I loved be it friend, significant other or family to experience these things with. I dream of taking people to this country in the future and showing them its beauty. Other times I love traveling on my own. It is liberating and challenging and forces you to grow. I used to think I wasn't street smart at all and never would have thought I could take on a city like this on my own. Fast forward to now, and here I am getting ready to hop on another train and discover another new part of this world!

Memory Monday v10.0- Allison shares a memory!

2011-08-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear readers of time won't wait for me! I am Allison and I am here to give you a slice of Memory Monday straight from the heart of Indiana. :)

I grew up as the youngest of three girls in our Southern Indiana household and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I have realized that though I'm sure us girls drove my dad crazy my two sisters are my saving grace and my best friends and they always will be! I just recently got married, and as my husband and I dream of having our own little family someday I really think back to my childhood with my two sisters and think that three is a great, great number to be a part of. There is always someone to turn to or play with if the other is busy. Babies are a completely different story though; I digress. :)

One of my favorite memories from my childhood is Christmas in the O'Grady house. Yes, I know it is still summer and I'm talking about Christmas but you seriously have no idea how much I love that holiday. (My husband and I even got married a week before Christmas!) To this day, I get SO EXCITED just thinking about how jolly and caring people are during the Christmas season--it really makes my heart want to burst. And I really think that is because I have so many great memories of celebrating Christmas as a child. Everything about the season makes me the happiest person alive: giving, singing carols, wrapping presents, decorating, SNOW (remember I live in the Midwest so we get all four seasons--woohoo!), peppermint mochas, hot chocolate, baking, spending time with family, SIGH. I love it!

My most treasured memory is a tradition my sisters and I probably invented in our own little minds and kept going year after year. Our family of five lived in a three bedroom house, so the two of us younger girls always had to share a room--which my middle sister totally loathed at the time, hehe. But on Christmas Eve (after leaving our stockings, milk, and cookies out!) the three of us girls would all sleep in the SAME ROOM, like a sleepover! I looked forward to it so much because, as the youngest, I basically worshipped my sisters who are 7 and 11 years older than I. We would stay up late hanging out and talking and being giddy little girls until we couldn't hold our eyes open any longer. Then we would wake up early, say 7 or 8 AM, take turns using the bathroom (without peeking into the living room!) and finally tiptoe quietly out to the living room to see what Santa left for us! See, in our house all of the presents from Mom and Dad and such were wrapped under the Christmas tree, while Santa's gifts were left unwrapped on the couches and stuffed into our stockings! We would see all the treasures Santa left for us and compare the magical gifts that appeared in the nighttime and then giddily, but silently sneak back into our room to sleep for a few more hours before it was time to wake up Mom and Dad. A little later in the morning we would wake up again, say 10 or 11 AM, and go wake up Mom and Dad because, seriously, we couldn't wait any longer. I assume we probably had breakfast, but I just remember waking up our parents, dividing out the presents, and tearing in! (Though I know somewhere along the way my dad whipped out the video camera, too!) :) After the elation of opening all of our presents we would clean up the debris and start assembling toys with Dad while Mom started Christmas lunch. It really felt like the best day of the year, and I totally didn't mind waiting another 364 days for it to happen all over again.

I must also mention that before I was born or perhaps when I was just too little to remember, my sisters once tried sleeping together in the living room to catch Santa in the act, and guess what? He didn't come that night! So, lesson learned, let Santa do his magic in peace. Do not disrupt the flow of Santa's mojo. ;)

Now that my sisters and I are all adults with families of our own, we don't get to have a sleepover on Christmas Eve, but we still do all gather at my parents house for the opening of the presents and Christmas lunch after my niece and nephews get Christmas morning at their own houses. I was a little heart broken the first year that I realized things were changing in our Christmas traditions, but really they have just adapted. We all still make it home for Christmas Day at Mom and Dad's house because that occasion is something that we all treasure--and thankfully our husbands understand our love for Christmas and each other and allow us to have priority when it comes to Christmas gatherings!

Looking back, that was the sweetest tradition my sisters and I had going and I hope that someday my future children have their own tradition that gets them so hyped and giddy for Santa's arrival. If it weren't for my parents' support and love for the Christmas spirit, I believe I wouldn't love it as much as I do today. Just ask my husband--he pretends to be annoyed by my love for the holiday season, but I know he really thinks it's adorable. ;)

To see more into my Midwest life, head over to my blog and say hi! You can also find me on twitter, instagram, etc. etc. :D Thanks for reading!

To sum it all up

2011-08-04T06:03:00.000-07:00

A round up of all things mushy

2011-08-04T05:58:00.000-07:00

Which could also be entitled "Nur Comes for a Visit."

I don't what is was about this week but we have had exceptionally cute patients back to back! They have been extra sweet, so tolerant of the surgeries and really interactive! I think I could have taken every single one of them home if they didn't already have amazing families. The icing on the cake of this week was Nur coming for a visit! I originally met Nur my first weekend here and he has really settled into a spot of my heart, as he has with every one who has cared for him. This afternoon I got to spend a bit of time watching cartoons, playing and taking silly pictures on photobooth with him. As I was getting ready to leave and told him good bye he leaped into my arms and gave me a huge giggle and an even bigger hug. This has to be my favorite picture I have had taken here, it really captures his spirit.

Then there are these:

He had to step out to take an important call:

Then there's this bunch of cuties:

Maybe this week has been so exceptional because over the weekend a handful of the other workers/volunteers snuck in and spent the whole weekend putting up wall decorations in the center. It was a total surprise for the rest of us and it has really added a children friendly vibe to the place!

I ended this week wanting to adopt about 27 different kids. I think you can see why.

I'm off... almost

2011-08-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

See you guys in a few weeks! I am off to adventure around a different part of the country until late August! I can't believe I am half way through my original planned stay here and that I am getting to take my holiday. I have been figuring out how to buy train tickets and learning that 2AC is the way to go. It will be my first train experience and it will be memorable I am sure. On the roster:

1. Varanasi, Uttar Pradesh. I am so excited to visit this holiest of cities. Lots of walks up and down the ghats are what I plan to do.

2. Rishikesh, Uttarkkhand for some really laid back walks and maybe even some adventures in the Ganges. Quite a bit of the White Album by The Beatles was written while the guys were staying at an ashram here in the late 60s :)

3. Manali, Himachal Pradesh. I plan on being outdoors the WHOLE time I am here. Except to sleep a little bit at night. There will be hot water springs for bathing, waterfalls and maybe some air time if the weather is okay for paragliding.

4. Dharamsala/McLeod Ganj, Himachal Pradesh which is where the Dalai Lama and Tibetan government live. I am hoping to be able to meet up with my fellow blogger friend's friend (Did you follow that?) Tsomo who lives in that area. If you can't tell, my main goal is to get out of the city environment for a little quiet time. Hope I'm able to do just that!

Whip out those tissues friends

2011-07-30T23:44:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a moment to share this lovely video. It definitely made me cry, but I guess I'm kind of already had a heart for this, eh?

Um, hi! August begins tomorrow! What is going on?! I leave for a holiday this Friday then it will practically be September. September brings another mission group, then October! That will likely be my last full month here but more on that later this week. Is time flying by for you?

Memory Monday v8.0

2011-07-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

One small fact that you may or may not know about me is that I am a huge N-E-R-D. When I was in second grade I finished my years worth of book reports in the first month, if not quicker. I both loved reading getting stuff done. I think that was the point in my academic career that my parents knew they wouldn't have to worry about me (in school anyhow, Lord knows I've given them a run for their money in a variety of other ways.) I always read the books we were assigned through out school and have never cracked open a Cliff Note in my life. This brings me to one of my favorite summer memories:

The summer reading club at the local library. I'm sure libraries all over did these but I am certain that the one in my hometown had to have been the best. I remember looking forward to the start of the summer reading club every summer for many years. My mom, sisters and I would pile into the car and head down to update our reading logs every week. The walk across the sizzling hot parking lot made the cold blast of the air conditioned library that much more sweet. The smell of books would waft out and immediately make me anticipate what finds I would make that week. I deposited my most recent reads into the collection bin and remember seeing the workers' hands through the slits organizing my returns. We'd walk in just a bit further before the family split and headed to their respective sections. I'd excitedly go to the reading club set-up and have my log verified. Some summers you got to put stickies all over the pane glass windows as you progressed. I remember the program had goals you had to advance through and they changed as you grew older. I am sure that there was some sort of prize at the end of it all but clearly none of that mattered as I couldn't tell you one single prize I ever received at the end of the summer. Spending hours in the library sitting in aisle after aisle, deciding what I would choose was my week's most agonizing decision. Oh how I despised the borrowing limits!

Somehow all of us girls always found each other and shared what we picked. Standing in the line to checkout was agonizing, I just wanted to be curled in my bedroom reading already. My library card was one of my most prized possessions and I was so proud the summer that I was old enough to borrow with my own library card instead of under one of my parents'. I'd gaze around at the stacks other people in line held, the library seemed to have something for everyone. We'd all check out and pile back into the car. I'd spend the ride home looking through my picks, deciding which I'd read first. By the time I got home I was ready to curl up and spend the afternoon in the pages of a book.

The week would fly by and I would inevitably finish my books before it was time to return, just making the anticipation of my favorite summertime tradition that much greater!

Weightless

2011-07-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

When someone single handedly ruins an entire band for you (ahem "Band of Horses"), you want to call them in the wee hours of their morning and thank them. Not in a genuine kind of way but more in the vein of "I'm saying thank you but it sounds more like screw you" kind of way. Because I believe in living life with no regrets and I feel that someone should know if they've ruined an entire band which you used to sing along to at the top of your lungs.

I mean, I didn't ask you to come out of our room unsolicited and tell me that this was the song we were going to dance to at our wedding. And I certainly didn't ask you to come home three, maybe four weeks later and tell me that I no longer had a place in what turns out to be your tiny world. Now I'm stuck with two albums that I downloaded from iTunes that I can't return. That's like $19.98 worth of mp3s which would buy 2-3 weeks worth of food for me here in India so this is some serious shit. I checked their whole "terms and agreements" and it took me awhile to get through it but what I gleaned from that doozy of a contractual agreement is that iTunes won't hand out refunds just because some dude you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with spews weightless garble from his bearded face. Now I can't even type out the words "Band of Horses" without wanting to sign on to Skype and wake you up half way around the world in the hopes of making you PayPal me back that $19.98.

So, I'm left here developing what is known as the three pillars of my future life which decidedly excludes wasting any time on pursuing inter-sex relationships. It's not because I'm bitter (right?) but it's more because I don't think it's fair to "Band of Horses" that I'm running over their albums with tractors in my mind of minds. They don't deserve that- no one does. Except for maybe Shaquille O'Neal because, honestly, what was he thinking when he decided to release "The Best of Shaquille O'Neal" back in '96. Don't think I forgot about that just because I was eleven at the time Shaq. Stick to what you're good at.

I digress. The real point is that the Skype icon is beckoning me; it begs me to seek redemption in honor of all music ruined in the wake of plans laid to rest. I can't do that though, because I'm non-confrontational by nature. Never mind the fact that I don't want to waste precious Skype minutes that could otherwise be used yelling "I think my internet connection is too slow!" at the people I love.

Come on skinny love, what happened here?

2011-07-24T02:43:00.000-07:00

For the last 10+ years going to shows has been one of my major stress reliefs in my life. I love live music and find it really therapeutic. Since there is a huge void there now, I find myself obsessively watching youtube videos instead. I have no expectation that anyone will sit there and watch all of these but it is really convenient for me, as now all my recent favorites are in one spot :)

(I was right up in the front for this one)

(From one of THE most amazing tour line ups ever, this video still gives me chills)

(Because Andy Hull deserves 2 shout outs)

I'll be back tomorrow with a less obnoxious post!

The best laid plans

2011-07-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

July has been a rough month on the health front for me and as much as I try to keep this little blog on the up and up sometimes that isn't the reality. We had a mission these last 7 days and I was excited to document it and get situated at the bedside caring for patients. Unfortunately the only place I found myself at was my own bed and bathroom. The first week of July I came down with a GI bug and was out for the count for about a week and spent the following week trying to find my appetite. Then the mission came, the bug had already been circulating around the local nurses then it hit some people in the mission team. Then it came back full circle to me again this week. It was even worse this time but luckily we were able to catch it earlier and so I've spent less time dehydrated. I am on heavy anti-amoebic drugs and things are looking like they're under control. Still, I feel weak. I know I look worse for wear and am feeling emotionally fragile (as if I wasn't already, right?)

To put it in perspective: Anyone who even kind of knows me knows I love to dance. I mean, I'm no professional but my moves have been known to stop time. I've danced buttons off my shorts and broken a watch while doing the robot to a beat . I've been kicked out of buildings for setting fire to the floor, my moves are so hot. I. Love. Dancing. Tonight is the final party for the mission which usually involves loud music and westerners dressed up in Indian gear. Most importantly, it involves me testing out my newest Bollywood moves for hours on end. I got all geared up and went down to the car only to find myself back in my room curled up in the fetal position five minutes later.

See there I go again, try to pep up a "woe-is-me" post. The truth is I am feeling so run down physically and not at like myself. I tried calling my sister and one of my closest friends because I wanted some distraction and to try and rid myself of the blues but alas, the internet connection is too slow for anyone to be able to hear me. Okay, but that's enough. I guess the real point is that 95% of living here and away from everyone I love is awesome and worthwhile. Then there's the three weeks where walking 10 feet feels more like running 10 miles and doing the robot requires both physical and mental preparation. (And then there's the 20 consecutive people who point out how bad you're looking, with the best of intentions. You have to have a tough shell to live here because honesty is the policy apparently.)

Now I'm going to awkwardly insert photos because I don't know how to end a really honest post unless it's really positive:

A gathering around the all-powerful board

PACU in full swing

The kids love the toys (Robin!)

In other news: My ipod decided to resurface after a 2 month hiatus in my left rain boot

Thank you Allison for my sweet letter and homey towel

These pants are made for little boys. Yes, I'm the crazy American who doesn't conform to traditional gender specific clothing

When you have to wear sun glasses on gloomy days to keep the dirt out of your eyeballs

Around the block

1. Barber walla 2. Mail post

3. Mobile pastry walla 4. Laundry walla

All gussied up with no where to go

Get your fix

2011-07-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

Around these parts betel leaf/paan and betel nut are really popular choices of stimulants. I am guessing they kind of have a stimulant factor like cigarettes and betel seems to be really cheap because SO many people from even the poorest areas have teeth stained red from chewing. Every country seems to have their vices and paan is one here in India. You also do find cigarettes and smokers too but not to the extent that you would in other countries. Imagine my surprise when I was at the bread bakery (by the way, they were out of bread that day and I yelled "Where's the bread?!?!" on my way out, something only my flatmates would appreciate) and I saw this:

Liquid nicotine. With caffeine. It reminds me of that questionable drinking trend "Four loco" from the states minus the alcohol. Essentially, it is my worst nightmare in a can.

I have had the craziest week!! On Friday we started screening for our July mission and the mission team arrived. I woke up Saturday morning and it was pouring rain. I went to put on my rain boots for the first time in 2 months and felt something in my left boot. I pulled it back off, turned it over and out slid my missing ipod touch! What the what?!?! I lost that thing during a late night on the May mission. I assumed it was long gone and being enjoyed by someone else. I never got upset when I lost it, as it was my fault and not an essential item. How could I freak out over losing an ipod when there are whole families living under the ramp of the hospital? Anyways, one of my roomies said that it was my good karma from my positive attitude when I lost it that kept it safe in my boot all this time! So it's back!

Friday night I went to a metal show! Heavy metal is really popular in India. I went to the show because our child life specialist's boyfriend is a musician. One of his musical ventures is a metal band which he is the vocalist for. I was so excited to go see them play! I felt right at home at the show, it reminded me of small shows at chain reaction and what not. The music was very Isis/Opeth like. I was beyond happy. I even ran into a guy wearing an AILD shirt! To put AILD in perspective: their first cd came out 10 years ago almost exactly. The first time I saw them was at a church in San Diego 10 years ago with about 30 people there. They were playing with Point of Recognition and Noise Ratchet and it still was one of my favorite shows ever. They've since been on huge tours (Ozzfest, Warped tour, Lamb of God, Children of Bodom, etc) and been nominated for a grammy. Now you can find people in off the maps places in India who listen to their music. Blows my mind.

My stomach illness is also back. I seem to have passed it to many of our local nurses, then to my roommates then to the mission team and now back to me. It doesn't seem as bad as two weeks ago, but I am so not happy! I thought I paid my dues but I guess not. I went to work yesterday morning and got sent home because I am infective :(

That didn't stop me from seeing the last Harry Potter last night with 15 others!! I have been obsessively watching the old movies to prep for the release of Deathly Hallows part 2 and last night a large group of us went to watch it. I had no idea I was surrounded by that many fans. The movie flew by and I felt myself tearing up a bit at the end. On a sidenote: why can't a buy the books for my kindle reader on my mac? Apparently Rowlings doesn't support electronic book readers?

I've gotten my fix of metal and nerd-dom this week, what about you?